5/25/2010

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2000

Fuck your mothers, I have been gone for so long. "Where have you been?" you are asking (you are probably not asking). Because I am such a "Internetional Sensation" I can now move to the USA to make my dreams come true of making so much money from my boys becoming action stars and me being there manager.

So I have been learning so much about American capitalism. But to be so honest I do not fucking understand it. From all that I can see it is like this big fucking game of Monopoly but instead of fake money it is real money and instead of game it is real life.

But so many Americans still act like it is such a game and they want to win so bad. And I think winning is cool and everything if you are going to make a definition of winning as making such boner-making movies or such sweet products that make the world a better place and get us so many virgins in heaven, but all of the Americans say a definition of winning is to get all the money... like it is Monopoly.

This is such a problem because life is not Monopoly. It is life and when people are the loser they fucking starve to death and there kids get lice. That is such an evil game they play in America.

"So what Nikolai, shall we be a Socialists like everyone in Europe who is giving so much moeny to Greece so they can have all the ass sex with all of the men?" No, socialism is fucking stupid too and it does not work because why am I to give my money I make sweeping popcorn and condoms at the cinema to help pay for Sorens sweet flat in East Minsk that he get government assistance from because they think he is so poor when really he is so rich from selling all the bootleg dvds?

"Communism, then?" No way. I lived in a fucking communist country and it is such bull shit because in a true communism there is everyone gets equal amounts of everything no matter what but in a fake ass communism like Castro, Chavez, and Obama have there is always some rich mother fucker who is making everyone divide all of the money while they play golf and smoke cigars and have sex with little boys and that is not communism - that is a evil fucking dictatorships.

"So what then?"

So THIS

It is the only way. Otherwised this world is so fucked in its fucking ass that everyone is going to have so many bloody shits it is unbelievable just like in the year 2000 when all the computers exploded and everyone killed each other.

So here are the top ten movies of Y2K:

10. BATTLE ROYALE Rumble
This is a documentary about the Japanese X-Factor where instead of singing all the kids go on a field trip to the Lost island and kill each other with cross bows and sniper rifles and axes and YES!

9. FINAL DESTINATION 1-D
Do you remember that gay quaterback on The Creek of Dawson and you are like "I wish that mother fucker will have a sign cut his ass in half in France"? One thing I learn about American capitalism is "supply and demand". So we all demand it so hard and this movie made that happen so hard and SPLAT!

8. REQUIEM FOR A Two Sided Dildo DREAM
This movie is fucked up. 30 seconds to Mars sticks heroin into herpes he has growing on his arm and then the Wayans Brothers suck so many dicks for cheeseburgers and Opportunity Nocks boobs makes a porno with the black dad from Something About Mary. The music is the best music ever made by anyone and they use it for everything now and everyone who like that music is like "fuck you!"

7. MEMENTO Mind Fuck
This movie is good but not "so good" like you thought it was when you first saw it but still it is very good and you can see how the director went on to make the Dark Nights and now the Dark Night 3 with Leornardo Da Vinci as Batman now who lives in the Matrix which bends my boner over my head to fuck me in my own ass every time I see the preview. Trinity from the Matrix is in this and she is such a bitch but still so sexy to me and reminds me of Snehzana.

6. MEET MY PARENTS
This movie is funny to me. Thats it. I dont not do comedy anymore. i am so close to not doing any movies anymore at all because of how rubbish everything is this year. Even the good ones are rubbish. Kick Ass was so rubbish and Roger Eberts was so right about everything he say about that movie. Im so sorry. That movie is dirty and expose the soul of Americas youth that is raised by all the money-hungry capitalist who worship at the altar of Sex with sacrificings of unborn babies. "America, Fuck Yeah!"

5. AMORES PERROS (Puppy Love)
Some people might say love is such a bitch but not this movie. It says love is puppy love like the title in Spanish. And it is about so much sweet love stories and sweet dog fights and sweet killings and a sweet bum who is a hitman and a sweet model Heather Miller who marry John Lennon and have one leg and then divorce him and take all his money because her dog died under the floor. "Viva Mexicao!"

4. THE CELL Phone That Has No Phone In It
The cell phone is a most complex boner I ever have because J-Lo's ass is so nice as always but this movie so good you dont not even notice it that much and she goes into Vince Vaughns brain and Full Metal Jacket cuts a horse with a bread slicer and has Silence of the Lambs playing all the time on repeat.

3. CAST AWAY
I love this movie so much and it is so intense and so different and only one man like the hole time and "how the fuck is this not boring?" but it is not and it also inspire this screenplay about a man who fall in love with a bottle that I have 3 hours to write one time and is kind of funny and I hope you like it - my gift to you.

2. FANTASIA 2000-D IMAX
This was the first movie ever released on IMAX and it was so sweet. I remember thinking "this is what I am going to do with my life" when I see it and so I have so many screenplays of silent movie cartoons that I write that fit in with a classicaling musics and now I need to find all the animators to make them because it was Walt Disney dream to make these go on forever but now his head is frozen in a jar of pickles in Oprahs freezer so now I must do it instead.

1. UNfuckingBREAKABLE
Snehzana and I just watch this movie again a couple of a month ago and it is still so fucking sweet you can hardly believe it because then M Dark Night Shamalynanana go on to direct so many pieces of shit that come out of aborted babys. Usually people get better when they direct more movies and practice so hard but not him because he is such a genius like Merlin who travel backwards in time and get worse instead.

I do not no about you but I am to go to bed now and dream about all the money I will make and all the abortions I will have when I move to America, Fuck Yeah! Baseball, Fuck yeah! Oh and also all the sex tapes Amedeus and Emmanuel will make with all there boyfriends to be so rich, Fuck yeah! Starbucks, Fuck yeah! Sushi, Fuck yeah! Play dates, Fuck yeah! Pilates, Fuck Yeah! Aspergers, Fuck Yeah! Masters Degree, Fuck Yeah! Cancun, Fuck yeah! Fuck Yeah! FUUUUCK YEAH!

I cant not wait!

5/10/2010

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2001

Tomorrow morning I am to take Emmanuel to see a new Robin Hoods movie...

I no. There is already so much negativitys in a world Nikolai why do you have to be hating so much a Robin Hoods movie you dont even see yet? I will tell you...

I HATE a Ridley Scotts movies. Gladiator to me is maybe a most boring movie of all time and such a rip-off of ass-fuck awesome Bravehearts but instead of crazy as shit I want to have his 9th baby Mel Gibsons it is Russel Crows and do you no what? I HATE a Russell Crows movies. Maybe you think he is such a good actor. I think he is so shit. He got nominated for an Oscars for playing a retard in the Insider Man so he play the same retard in all his movies now. Same shit everytime. And I want him to die so bad in the Insider Man and I want him to die so bad in all his other movies as well because reatrds are sweet when they are to make me laugh not when they are to try and win Oscars. (Except Arnie Grapes who do both)

You no what else I hate so bad? People.

People like your landlord, Thakor, who has eyes with scary as blood-in-your-shit cataracts who install a peice of shit smoke alarm that fall off a ceiling and cut your head open and then who try to get you to break the law and commit fraud. Or your boss at the cinema, Yoanna, who use the underground walkway behind the building to break into the Pret next door and steal 1 billion BYR from there safe and you cant say shit because she will then get her crazy killer cocaine dealer to murder your two baby boys. I hate them.

Do you no what I dont hate?

The movies of 2001! They were so good! I have such a hard time to pick just ten. I can so easily make two top ten lists but that takes so long of a time and will take so much time away from target practice with my new rifles that the studio buy me to write such a good review of the shit movie Iron Man 2: Full Throttle. So here is only one Top Ten movies list of 2001 that gave me huge boners that I did not touch because when you touch them you are touching the boners of a man and touching the boners of a man is gay if you are not a woman and I am not a woman and I am not gay.

10. AMELIE is not gay and neither am I-
"Amelie is not gay and neither am I" is a movie that so many boys who look like women and so many women that look like boys love... I think they are to call these people "proof Darwin is so right about natural selection"... thats what we call them in Belarus anyway and they all have so many abortions and the boys are always having so much trouble getting boners and they cry so much and there girlfriends think maybe they should try sex with a man and they do and then a girlfriends try sex with a woman and they never have babies ever and a survivals stay with the fittest (aka ME). They love this movie. But so do I. That is what is so great about truely beautiful things in the world like this movie is that there beauty is absolute and everybody has to think so or they are just fucking liars or there soul is dead.

9. GHOST "Can We Call You Weird Al" WORLD-
This is a story of two lesbians who go to a cafe and ask a waiter if they can call him Weird Al and that is so funny. Then one lesbian work at a Starbucks and the other work at a cinema (nice) and then they get in a fight and one of them fuck Steve Buscemi and then he get all weird and is like "I need to go to Fargo to get shot in the fucking face" and he leave and the lesbian he fuck waits for a bus. The End.

8. MULLHOLLAND This Dont Make No Fucking Sense But Those Women Are Having Such Sweet Sex With Each Other DRIVE
Chinese New Year in 2001 was the year of the lesbian. So Mullholland....Drive is a movie about these lesbians who go to Mullaholland Drvie to fuck each other and the writer of this movie is so smart like the writer of Iron Man 2: Full Throttle because he no that if you make a movie that dont make no fucking sense then you win all the Oscars. So this movie dont make no fucking sense and it win all the Oscars. the End.

7. BLO
BLO was the name of the all time greatest band who sings all the songs like Mr Blew Skys and Evil Womans but it was also the name of such a great movie in 2001 with Edward Scissorhands who sells all the cocaine and marrys Run Lola Run and then she dies so he marries Peenalope Cruise and then Pee Wee Herman sells him all the cocaine and he go to jail and gets fat. And the end is so WMC because they reveal to you it has been a horror movie the hole time because the last thing they flash on screen is this. For real... Derrick Forreal

6. ROYAL TENENBOMBSS that are not as good as Rushsmores but still -
Royal Tenenbombs was not as good as Rushsmores but still... There was this movie called a Squids and some Whales were a little kid goes to the library and masterbates so hard and wipes all his stuff on all of the books and now you are like "Why the fuck are you telling me this... this site is for boners, not throwing up in my mouth?" I am telling you this because Rushmore was like the first time Wes Anderson ever cum in his pants... really nice. Then Royal Tenenbombs was like him going to the library and cumming in his pants so much and putting it on all the books... it was a little bit of too much I think. And a rest of his career has been him cleanin up his mess which has sucked so bad except Mr. Fox that was Fantasticating!

5. Yes, BUBBLE BOY, now Fuck Off!-
Yes, I love the movie Bubble Boy, now FUCK OFF! You already no how much I love to laugh at reatrds. I am a terrible persons. I no. You no. And this movie is making so much laughter at an expense of such a retard and also has so many freaks that I love to laugh at as well like I midget and a giant and a Mexican and a Scientologists and a Hindus and a Republicans. Speaking of midgets... I was just telling Snehzana the other day that of all the freaks in all of the world - you see so many blind people all the time and so many deaf people and people in a wheel chairs (SO MANY FREAKS!) but you almost never see a midgets. And I am like "why the fuck is this? I no they exist!" Then I realize it is because they are so short you do not notice when they walk by. (Snehzana just took a boys and drove away in a car I do not no why).

4. MONSTERS INK
Monsters Ink is another Pixars movie and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Can Pixars stop making great fucking movies please? For like one fucking second? Shit. Oh yes, they are going to do that because they are making Toy Story 3. I HATE the Toy Story movies. I dont not no why. I love all the other Pixars movies but I cant not stand these. Toys are fucking toys they are not real and then you grow up and you throw them away. Get the fuck over it.

3. ZOOLANDERZ
Zoolanderz is fucking funny. Is it the funniest movie of all time? I dont fucking no.. Not to me.. But maybe to you. Thats why i hate reviewing comedy movies and I am not going to do them for my regular reviews anymore. Because I thouht it was funny but maybe you wont and maybe you do but think its way funnier than I did so "fuck me" wel guess what? "Fuck you" because Im not reviewing comedys anymore. It was funny. Thats it.

2. WET HOT AMERICAN Boners in the SUMMER
Wet Hot American Boners in the Summer is about a bunch of Jews at Jew camp and if there is one thing that is so funny it is a Jew and if there is one thing funnier than a Jew it is a bunch of Jews and if there is one thing funnier than a bunch of Jews it is a bunch of Jews at Jew camp. Just trust me. This movie can easily have to be number one on the list but the next one is so so so sososososooosososo sososososo sososoosososososososoosososo sososoosososoososososoos sooooooooooooosososooooooooososoosos sosooooooooooo osososoososoososoososoos ssososoososososoosososoos ssssssososoososossssssssssoooooooooo sosososoosososoosososoos fucking awesome that I could not do it. But I wanted to.. So buy or rent this movie and fall in love with Paul Rudd the exact same way i did in a way that is not gay but in a way that is like I am goin to be exactly like you in this movie and those who do not like it can get dumped out of my van by the side of the road.

1. IN THE Fucking BEDROOM
In the Fucking Bedroom is about the guy from T3 and a Oscar winner from My Cousin Vinnys who have so much sex "In the Fucking Bedroom" but were they live when you say "In the fucking bedroom" it means it is you and her and also her ex husband and some lobsters and some super fucked up shit happens that I do not want to tell you because do you no sometimes you are at the gym and you ride the bike and the sweatpants rub against you and give you such a huge boner and you are like "Oh fuck I cant stop because people will see my huge boner but if I keep going then it feels so good that my boner will never go away" You are fucked. Watching this movie is basicly getting stuck with a huge boner you do not want to have but cannot make o away because you have to keep riding the fucking exercize bike and then,,, EXPLOSION!!!

5/08/2010

"Four Lions" Flys Planes Full of Laughter Into My Twin Towers of Boners

Do you no what is not funny at all?

Terrorism

But do you no what is a so funny subject of a movie "Four Lions"?

Terrorism

WMC? I no. I no. So confusing.

If I had not failed and instead graduate from kindergarden and gone on to all the other grades and eventually go to University I think I would have had a major in Religion. And after I graduated people would ask me all the times "Are you going to become a priests?" And I will always say "No because I major in Religion not in becoming a priests you stupid fuck!" But that didnt not happen so that is beside a point.

People are so ignorant of religion... even most of the people who are a part of whatever religion you are talking about. And so in my attempt to not be such a hypocrite I might study the religion of my parents (Catholicism) and find such a sweet Bible quotes to use in movie reviews. Like this one...

"Do not fear those who can kill the body and then have no more power over you. I will tell you whom to fear. Fear him who has power to destroy both body and soul in Hell." Matthew 10:28

This verse is saying that you should not be afraid of anyone except God because if you piss Him off then he will fucking crush you like Dolph Lungrens in The Rock IV. This reminds me so much of "Four Lions" because it is a movie that takes something many people are so afraid of and makes us laugh at them to not be afraid anymore. Sweet! Then there is this one...

"The Devil, like a roaring lion, is going through the world seeking the ruin of souls. Resist him, steadfast in the faith." 1 Peter 5:8

This also reminds me of this movie because it has the word "lion" in it. And did you no "Four Lions" title has the word "lion" in it as well? It is true. But in the Bible verse it is to describe the devil and so I am like "Oh shit this movie title could be like "Four Devils"!" So then I make this poster with the four most evil and terrifying devils of all time...


Yes, you have guessed it: Sarahs Silverman, Anderson Coopers 360, Rosie O'Donnell Monster, and Dane Cook - the guardians of the four quadrants of Hell

So "Four Lions" is about how even people we are so scared of are not really all that terrifying after all and are even kind of stupid fucks just like us and maybe even so much that we should feel sorry for them because they dont even no what the fuck they are doing. Like when Jesus is on the cross and telling God to forgive all the Jews because they dont no what the fuck they are doing but then Mel Gibsons is like "Shut up Jesus! You dont no what you are talking about. There is no way God should forgive them!"

The story is about three Arab guys and one white guy who are Terrorists because they are Muslim and think that is the best way to get to Heaven. And they come up with a plan to blow people up (and themselves) to be martyrs and hilarious things ensue! The white terrorist who should win all the Oscars comes up with a plan that is so fucking evil and genius and it make you think about 9/11 a little bit maybe.

I no that is such a short descriptions and you might be like "this fuck didnt even not see the movie" but I did and so did Emmanuel who go to the parent/baby screening with me and you can ask him. The reason I do not want to tell you more is because this is a comedy and many of the funny parts are in the shit that happens and I do not want to ruin the jokes for you but trust me. It is so funny. Many people who do not no any Arab Muslims (Americans) may think this movie is so fake but I can tell you that it is not so fake. My friend from work Walid is a Muslim who is always telling me about Islam and promise me that when the Muslims decide to take over Europe that he will make sure they will not kill my family and these characters are almost exactly what he is like. They mean well. They really do - but are so misguidanced. And then the news makes everyone think they are evil crazy killers but they are not but then people tend to live up to expectations and this movie examines that but I dont no what that means because I heard someone so smart say it when they were walking out.

There is so much to be said about this movie and so many analyzings to be done but by people way more smarter than me. All I will say is that you should go see it because it is so fucking funny and its like if Ali G take all of his characters and make them into terrorists to blow people up in a movie.

This movie is very British. But I love British things and I love to stick my boners in them (did you no my wife Snehzana is British?). And this movie is something I think all people should stick there boners in because it is very unique and very brave as well because it is so obvious that all the Muslims are going to kill everyone involved. Because my wife is half-British but also half Iranian... that mean she is half-terrorist (this will mean different things to different people) and so when I tell my mother-in-law who is the Iranian half about this movie she grab her AK-47 and weapons grade uranium from the closet and go to find all of the actors and costume designers because "fuck those infidels!" (her words not mine).

So yes, this movie is very funny but also very serious and would make someone not allergic to thinking like I am think very much about things.

"Two Boners Way Up!"©

5/05/2010

Machete Makes His Tacos With A Secret Sauce: YOUR BONERS!!!

Did you no I am Belarusian but also half Mexican? It is true. And today is such a special day for all of a Mexicans. It is a Cinco of the Mayo when everyone in a world gets so drunk and eats so much mayo to celebrate how all the Mexicans kick the shit out of Spain in a battle so they can make there own country that is so awesome and has so many sweet kidnappings and murders and povertys that everyone wants to leave and be in a USA. VIVA MEXICO!!!

Did you also no there is so much crazy shit going on in a USA right now and they are finding all the Mexicans and killing them? Its true. Why are they killing all the Mexicans you ask? Because when Obama gets elected he free all the black slaves and give them all of the money. So the Mexicans see such a opportunity and come over and say "We want so much to be your slaves now! And you dont ever have to free us or give us all the money." And all the white people are like "Fuck you because that means we have to learn so much Spanish and that is so hard - we will rather play so many video games instead!" So now they kill them. Smart.

So "Machete" is a true story of a Mexican who is like "Fuck you - you dont kill me... I kill you!" And he kill everyone. All of the Oscars voters love true storys so this movie is going to win at least five of the ten best picture Oscars this year and Predators and Solomon Fucking Kane will have to split the rest. All of the worst picutre Oscars will go to Alice in a Pile of Shit 3-D and Iron Man 2-D: Full Throttle.

So Robert Rodriguez come to Belarus yesterday to drop off this video for me to share with everyone for Cinco of the Mayo and we eat so many tacos together with so much mayo on them to celebrate but then we watch this and I realize it was not mayo on the tacos but my own boner juice. There was so much! And now you will see why...

video

Remember when Jesus go to Heaven and he say "I will come back one day riding a motorcycle with a gatling gun on the front and kill all the bad guys and also Steven Seagull and Cheech and Jessica Albas and Lindsey Lohans and Robert Deniro will be with me with sweet shotguns and machetes and killing everyone too"? Its in the Bible... Well this movie is what he was talking about. And we all have to see it because so soon after he is going to take us away on his spaceships to live with L Ron Hubbard and Tom Cruise and all the Mormons and all of the 27 virgins we get on Mars. Religion!

5/03/2010

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2002

Usually when I make a top ten list I have to leave out at least three or four "Two Boners Up"© movies. 2002 is a only year that I end up with exactly ten. This is because there were only ten movies released in all of 2002 because everyone was so busy finding so many WMD's in Iraq. There were so many! And thats why we all have to make so many sweet fucking explosions on all of them. Did you no that we have exploded over 100,000 Iraqi civilians since we find the WMD's? High Five, Team America! High five, Team World!!!

But even more than I love 100,000 civilian deaths, I love these 10 boner making movies of 2002. How is that even possible right? (death = sweet) That is because each of these movies is like 100,000 deaths all on its own so when you put them together that is like 100 billion deaths. BONERS!!!

10. What ABOUT SCHMIDT?
What About Schmidt? is a sequel to a top ten movie of all time What About Bobs? Bobs has gotten so old and has changed from Lost in Translation to The Joker from the suck Batman. Bobs wife who is Doctor Marvins sister Lily is so dead now and he go in a RV and try to have sex with this lady and find out his wife cheat on him so hard. And then his daughter marry a retard and his mom who is a rhino get in a hot tub. The End.

9. PUNCH My DRUNK Balls LOVE
Punch My Drunk Balls Love is such a funniest movie. Everyone no how much I love to laugh at a retards because of how funny they are and God give them to us for so much amusement. And everyone no the most funny of all these retards was Corky from Life Is Going On but then he die and Hollywood need a new retard to make us laugh so much so they pick Adam Sandlers. And that was such a good choice! So this movie is about a retard who fall in love and act so stupid! LOL!!!

8. SINES
This movie is about Mel Gibsons and his brother who is played by Walking Fenix who is a chronic masterbater (how do I no? we can smell our own). Aliens come and they spend so much time making a sweet technology to travel millions of miles to earth that they forget to not be allergic to water and not get beat with a fucking baseball bats like a dumbshits. Smart! This is also a movie that Quentin Tarantinos steal a baseball bat beatings to a head idea and that piss off Mel Gibsons so much in their feud.

7. SPIDERMAN About A Boy
Spiderman About A Boy is about a boy who become spiderman. And he wants to fuck a girl with such a fucked up teeth but he is a scared shit so he fight a goblin instead and his best friend from Freakings and Geekings gets so pissed because did you no the goblin is his dad? And so Spiderman kills the goblin with a surfboard and his friend is so pissed because "not cool Spiderman!"

6. LORD OF a RINGS: a TWO TOWERS
LOAR: ATT was such a best movie of all the crap LOAR movies. I say "crap movies" but they are not SO CRAP. But they are crap when you compare them with all of the cum they make in nerds pants. There was no boobs and like one explosion in 10 hours of movies. I am so sorry but how is that making so much cum in so many pants? I dont not get it but this movie is still pretty sweet and it is about how the helloship walk to drop a ring in a lava but then in this movie they stop to cut off the heads of so many Rosie Odonnell's. BONERS.

5. UNfuckingFAITHFUL
This movie is so intense and also there is a scene where a French guy take Richard Gere's wife before he fall in love with Cujo and bend her over and rape her but she like it and you are like "When did pornos start pretending to be a real movies with good actors and get made in Hollywood?" Also (not that I no from experience but...) if you are wondering if a person you are with is cheating on you - take them to this movie and watch what there reaction is. If they start crying so bad during all a cheating scenes and try to hold you and kiss you: CHEATER!!!

4. CITY OF motherfucking GOD
City of Motherfucking God is crazy!!! Damn! Kids fucking murdering each other and doing so much coke and smoking weed and so many sweet machine guns and beautiful womens. I cant not say how sweet this movie is. And it was so funny because Ben Afflecks come to Belarus to promote Million Dollar Gone Baby Gone and he say he try so hard to make his movie like City of God style and I yell from a audience: "You Fail!!!" and I get kicked out. I was so pissed but not because I am kicked out but because I did not get a chance to ask him my question in a Miss Hennifer Lopez voice from South Park.

3. I love LILO AND STITCH and if you dont you can suck my fuck
I love Lilo and Stitch etc. is a movie I love so much that if you do not love it you can suck my fuck because "fuck you asshole!" Yes this movie is a cartoon for kids but I was going threw so much shit when I see it and it make me cry so hard and I cannot wait to watch it with my sons and Stitch remind me so much of Amedeus who is like a crazy alien most of a time who bite evryone and break everything and do so much karate and make so many explosions and dance to Elvis all of a time. Yes he is so sweet. My other son Emmanuel is less sweet... he is a first one I will sell if we need money.

2. My Boners Are Now FRAILTYs!!!
My Boners Are Now Frailtys is about the old man from Dazed and Confusing who fuck all a high school girls and his dad is Big Love (who also directs this) and his dad see an angel and make him and his brother kill all of the people with axes. Little boys killing all of the people with axes = BONERS. Also the ending is very WMC... VERY WMC... VERY VERY VERY WMC. Like when the Six Sense saw the ending of this movie even it got a boner and then clipped it off with pliers and shoved it up its own ass. Because "fuck me what an ending!"

1. ALI G IN A HOUSE!!!
So you no how Barack Obama was elected president last year? And when it happen you are like "I never thought I will live to see the day a rapper is elected president. How a fuck did that happen?" I will tell you... Ali G in a House happened and opened up all of the eyes to all of the possibilities and everyone is like "Oh shit I can totally see this happening in real life." So after that all the people in the world vote for Obama and thats how it happen. Also Ali G look so silly so that is how people in a UK are like "We can now elect Gordon Brown even though he buys his ears from a joke shop and we can also elect David Cameron even though he look like Iggle fucking Piggle from In a Night Garden." Not only that but this movie is like 50 times funnier that Borat. The End.

4/30/2010

IRON MAN 2: FULL THROTTLE

***Finally my dream comes true and a movie studio buys me a Denel-Mecham NTW 20mm rifle to write a "Two Boners Up"© review for a movie even though it is really a "One Boners Down"© movie. I ask them if I give it four boners up can I have two rifles and they say "yes" and I say "sweet!". So here it is my "Four Boners Up"© review of Iron Man 2-D 3-D: A Dark Nights***

Remember how when you saw Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle for the first time before you watched it 200 more times because its so awesome and you were like "I wish all the sequels of movies I love so much were exactly like this one"... remember how you said that? Well the makers of Iron Man 2-D hired the most crazy psychic in the universe to read all of our thoughts because that is what they give us.

That is why at first before I see this movie I call it Iron Man 2-D 3-D: A Dark Nights but after I see it I now call it Iron Man 2-D (it is not in 3-D! YES!): Full Throttle because it had the exact same effect on my boner as the all time classic best movie ever Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.


Remember how when you watch Iron Man 1-D and you are like "I so wish this movie had so much less action and way more talking like I am watching a documentary about a day in a life of Steve Jobs for the first hour"? We all were thinking that and the psychic they hire no's that so in this movie that is exactly what they give us... thank my shit.

So in a beginning there is Russia and then there is a credits and then Sherlock Homes fly into a Justin Timberlake concert just like in a previews and he talks to all of the people about how he fucked up so much terrorists shit with his sweet fucking suit and killed all the poor people in Darfur. This was such a great scene because instead of showing him do all of these things like most movie making people would - they have him talk about it instead which is so great because I love listening to people talk about sweet fucking explosions and killing way more than I love seeing it.

Then at the concert they show a movie of Sherlock Homes dad and he talks so much as well. So YES!!! MORE SWEET FUCKING TALKING!!! BONERS FOR MY EARS!!!

Then Sherlock Homes and his body guard who go to the same acting school as Jimmy Fallon where they teach you to laugh during all of your scenes to make them so much better (which I love) are in a car and a so hot woman talk to them and tell them to go to Washington DC. This scene is awesome because... guess why... TALKING!!!

Then Sherlock goes to Washington to talk to Billy Crystal who is half-man half-frog now and will win all the academy awards for make up this year for his crazy frog chin that made me throw up five times on the person sitting in front of me. So this scene is so great like the others because they talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and then Mister Watsons who is black like in the first one but now has such a sun tan comes and he talks and talks and talks and then Billy Crystal gives Sherlock Homes a middle finger and thats it.

Then Sherlock Homes drives in the Grand Prix in Monaco and The Wrestler comes from Russia with whips and cuts all of the cars in half. This scene is awesome because in most movies they will try to be so realistic and have the police who are standing around with machine guns try to shoot him but not in Iron Man 2-D because they are like "fuck you - we dont not play by the rules of a real world and we dont have to try to make any sense because we have no respect for anyones intelligence!" So I love that attitude because making sense and respecting peoples intellignce is so stupid and everyone who loves Transformers 2-D so much like me no's that making sense dont mean shit about making a greatest movies of all time. Well Iron Man 2-D is like Transformers 2-D except like at least 2 times better. How is that even possible right? Go take care of your boner and come back to read the rest...

Okay your back but get ready for more boners because...

Speaking of Transformers 2-D... do you remember how when you watch that movie you are like "Oh shit I love so much the dialogue and acting between Shia Labuff and Jesus from the Big Labowski and I wish they had these two together in all the movies from now on." Remember? Well a makers of Iron Man 2-D thought the same exact thing and made it happen. There were so many times I closed my eyes during this movie and I could not tell if I was seeing a Iron Man or a Transformers movie... I know I know - your boner is blocking the screen right now. Mine too. Lets go take care of that and come back.

Im back. Your back... I will try so hard to not make that many boners from here on but its so hard with such a great movie...

The race scene kind of sucks because it takes so much time away from the sweet talking and the writer who is going to win all of the Oscars because he makes such a complicated movie that dont make no fucking sense (and everyone no that a so complicated movie that dont make no fucking sense = Oscars!!!) - he makes sure to have so much more sweet talking after this to keep everyone happy.

Then Sherlock makes eggs for Ben Afflecks girlfriend and make her the boss of his Private Eye company because he is dying from iron poisoning then Snooki Johansson show up and she dont get naked or fuck anyone like in all her other movies thank my fuck because then that would take away from all the sweet talking.

Then Sherlock get drunk at his birthday party and he and Mister Watson fight and cross the streams of there proton packs and make a nuclear explosion and then Mister Watson steal a suit and puts a gatling gun on the shoulder. Then Iron Man reenacts a coffee shop scene from Pulp Fiction with Samuel LL Cool Jacksons who is playing a same role as he was in Pulp Fiction because they are to bring all of the greatest movie characters from all time together for the Avengers and Iron Man 2-D is very much like a 2 hour commercial for the Avengers which is so sweet because you no how when you see a commercial you are like "I wish this commercials would last for two hours instead fo 30 seconds because I love commercials so much" ? Well once again the psychic told the Iron Man makers what you are thinking and they make it come true. So LL Cool Jacksons and Sherlock talk and talk and then he give Sherlock a shot in his neck that make any suspense about him dying from iron poison go away and that is awesome because I hate suspense.

Then Sherlock scans a map of Disneyworld into his computer and creates a new science element to make him not die anymore and you are like "why the fuck are they showing this it is so long and boring?" But then he uses Captain Americas shield to hold up the mini particle generator he makes in his garage and you are like "oh shit im so stupid, they made this 30 minute scenes to give all of a nerds in the world a two second boner to see a so awesome Captain America shield. SCIENCE!!!"

Maybe you are thinking this is not so much talking and there is action we all hate in comic book movies. You are so wrong because in between all of this The Wrestler and Norman Rockwell talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and it is so funny because Norman Rockwell have his performance from a first Charlie Angel movie photoshopped with the same technology they use to put President KFC into Forrest Gump to put him in this movie (including his dancing) and creates so many boners because that is such a classic character of all time that we all want to see over and over and over again. Nice work Iron Man 2-D makers - just when we think you cant think of anymore ways to give us boners YOU DO!!!

Then The Wrestler tells all the robots to kill Iron Man and then Sherlock and Watson kill all of them and it is great because instead of being so exciting (exciting = boring) it is more like a 15 minute step by step video tutorial of how to do all of the moves on the video game but the video game is going to suck so hard because it is going to be like all of the so boring 30 minutes of action scenes and none of the two hours of talking that make this such an awesome movie.

Then Snooki and the fat body guard break into a Kinkos and it is so awesome like an episode of the all time best show "She Spies" except everyone no's you cannot ever make anything as good as "She Spies" so they dont not even try to make it look as good as that. Smart.

Then The Wrestler fights Iron Man and Mister Watson with his whips and you are like "Oh fuck this is going to take so long and there will be no more talking!" But the makers dont let this happen and you never wonder whether they are in any danger because the fight last about 2 seconds and Sherlock and Watson cross the beams of there proton packs like at the birthday party (Genius Screenwriting Oscar goes to...) and it is over and Iron Man flys Ben Afflecks girlfriend to a roof and they talk and then they kiss which is so sweet because it was like when Mulley and Sculder kiss on X-Files and all of there sexual chemistry is now gone and you are like "YES! That was way too much sexual chemistry for me to handle!"

Then Sherlock talks to Samuel LL Cool Jacksons again and then Thor's hammer is sitting in the desert.

The End.

You no this is the best movie ever because my wife love it so much and say "It was so fun!" and her favorite movie is "Love Actually" so obviusly she no's a bad ass movies when she sees one.

4/28/2010

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2003

Yesterday so many people (500) come to visit my site and I dont not post anything for so long so I am so shocked by this. Someone must have emailed a link to some friends and everyone reads it and pass it on and thats how. So I guess I should write something new for people to read. So here is another list of movies that will probably give you boners unless you are a bitch and they will make you say something like, "This is stupid... lets go see The Backing Up Plan instead." If that sounds like something you will say one day: FUCK OFF!

It is hard for me to be excited about movies right now because 2010 so far has been the biggest pile of shit year for movies in a long time. Yes, Solomon Fucking Kane is sweet but really that is a movie from last year and Kick-Ass was so awesome too but these are just two movies of so many shit ones that are good. Tomorrow I am to see Iron Man 2-D 3-D: The Dark Nights and hopefully that will make me so excited again to write about movies.

2003 -

10. CABIN I just barfed because she shave off her skin in a bathtub FEVER -
CIJBBSSOHSIABF was such a surprising movie because when I see all a Belarusian commercials on TV for it there are no Roger Eberts two thumbs up reviews but instead reviews from Peter Jacksons, Stephen Kings, and Quentin Tarantinos saying I am to see this movie. I dont no what to do so I say "okay" and that was such a smart move on my part because this movie is so sweet. Like how when you watch a show "Boy Meets A World" and you say "I wish so hard his best friend will get a Cabin Fever and die so hard." in this movie that happens and also "PANCAKES!!!"

9. KILL BILL VOL. 1-D: Blood Hurricane in a massage parlor-
His feud with Mel Gibsons is always making Quentin Tarantinos so depressed. After Gibsons wins all the Oscars ever with Braveheart Tarantinos gets so depressed and spends seven years in tibet growing so many beards and climbing on mountains to get an idea and then he think "I shall have a bride do so much sweet Crouching Tiger anime and spray blood all over a massage parlor. The End". So thats what happen in this movie and its pretty sweet but its no blood hurricane like Gibsons response A Passion of a Christ is a blood hurricane.

TIE

8.1 BADass SANTA-
Bad ass Santa is sweet because it has so many freaks like a husband of Angelina Jolies and a midget who is black and a retard who is a ginger and woman who used to be a man on Dharma and Gregs and the dad is Problem Childs who is so dead now... SO MANY FREAKS!!! And I am so in loving with a good freak show. There is so much good bad languages and sweet guns and grandma who make a sandwich and fucking and Christmas.

8.2 ELF -
Elf maybe is not a tie with Bad Santa. Maybe it is better. This movie is so funny to me and that is all. I hate to review a comedy movies because what a fuck can I say except "I think this shit is so funny!" People who are to analyze a comedys and say it has a allegorys for this and a symbolism for that are really trying so hard to give you a metaphor for how they are gay.

6. LORD OF A RING: RETURN OF THE KING and his 500 endings
LOTR:ROTKAH500E was kind of sweet because you are like "Finally these movies are going to be over an I will not have to pretend anymore like I am so excited they are coming out and that they are so good." Because they are good but not SO GOOD. Did I tell you I saw Eastern Promises who is the King in this movie and he walk past me the other day? I did and he looked so happy talking with his friend and that made me happy because sometimes he records poetry on an album and it is so terrible and sad that you are like "Oh fuck suicide is not so far away for this one." But I am happy to report that he is doing great.

5. Dream Catcher that I only see to watch ten minutes of ANIfuckingMATRIX -
I no I should review Dream Catcher but I have to be so honest and say I left after I see the preview for AnifuckingMatrix before Dream Catchers even starts. So this reivew is really for AnifuckingMatrix which really didnt come out in a theater but on bootleg DVD instead but still part of it was in a theater. Anyway AnifuckingMatrix was so sweet and I still watch it all of the time but it makes me so sad when I do because you no how the last two Matrix movies are like when your mom looks you in the eyes and say "I guess some children are just crosses to bare"... you no when that happens? Thats how the last two Matrix are: crosses to bare for the Heaven that is the original Matrix and if the OG Matrix is Heaven then the AnifuckingMatrix is the 27 virgins you get to fuck all the time in Heaven. Except there are only 9 virgins but still they are so hot.

4. X2 yes Wolverine finally stuck his claws into so many people to kill them!
X2 etc. is so sweet because Wolverine finally sticks his claws into so many people to kill them and also he fuck Mean Gene Gray and Mystical Romaijn-Stamos and yes it is now okay if you use your boner to scroll down the rest of the page because I am using mine to type this right now because when I think of this movie is gets so big that it grows its own arms and hands. There is defintely so much gayness in this movie because it was directed by the gay who made the gay Superman movie so he trys to make half of this like X290210 and have so much teenagers and feelings but then a dam breaks and all of that things drown dead until X3 when they come back and "fuck you Hollywood!"

3. UNDERfuckingWORLD-
I no I am being so lazy with my titles today but I am so depressed about all of the crap movies this year it is so hard to be a reviewer at this time. UnderfuckingWorld is so much like a Matrix to me in that it has so much sweet mythologys and it was at the beginning of all this vampire bullshit that makes me barf so hard. And I am so excited because you no they are going to take it so many sweet places like The Matrix and X-Men and Hellboy but NOPE. Just like all three of those things they screwed it up as well because "fuck you Hollywood with no fucking imaginations relying on your Obama-style think tanks and group test-studys to make all of your decisions because you care only about appealing to a lowest common denominstrators and making money and not about telling quality storys that will endure a test of time. Fuck you all because I loved fucking Underworld and you ruined it."

2. Finding fucking Nemo -
Finding fucking Nemo is Pixar and blah blah blah I say it all the time but I never really review them until now. Finding fucking Nemo is the best father/son movie ever made. Period. Maybe you think there is a better one. You are wrong. Also you are stupid. And also you are fat. And ugly. Finding fucking Nemo is such a social commentarys on how it is to be a father and raise a sons in this polluted ocean of a world we are living in now. Our desires for material things has made men like a women and we treat our sons like a bitch and then they hate this because they are men and are not supposed to be like a bitch and so they run away and end up getting trapped in a fish tank of bat shit craziness with Willam Dafoe. And thats all before they turn five. The rest of there life you as a dad have to go on a long fucking journey of trying to undo the damage done by generations of bad decisions made by your father and his father and his fathers fathers that have buried what true masculinity really is and that journey is great and its also really hard and filled with so much sadness but if you love your sons you have to go on it because otherwise a pelican might not hear your story and fly to the dentist office to tell your son and he wont have a motivation to get out of the fucking fish tank. So you have to do it.

1. T3 that was not in 3-D but still
T3 was not in 3-D but sill... Remember how in the Matrix 2-D they have that chase on the freeway and you are like "Oh shit this movie sucks so hard but that was really fucking sweet like maybe the sweetest chase I see in so long!" Remember how you say that? Well then later that summer you see T3 and they have a chase that is like that chase except about a million times better and LOUDER! I love good sound in movies so much and this movie had such sweet sound. Also the ending is very WMC (what my cock?) and you dont expect it but it is sweet because it leaves such a great window to continue this sweet mythologys in new and interesting ways but then Hollywood and McG come along and fuck it all up and make Terminator: Rise of the Audience to Get There Money Back. Seriously. I no some people talk about rising up against there government to overthrow them. Maybe we should be talking instead about storming the offices of all the Hollywood studios with sweet fucking guns and grenades and taking that shit over instead. Fuck these bitches! Also in T3 the bad terminator is a so hot sexbot and kids get shot in the face so much.

4/21/2010

Musical Inspirations to Write a Hit Fucking Children Television Show Episode to

*This post has a lot of video embeddings so if you are using a reader they may not show up and you have to go to the site instead. What a fuck do I no?

What up. So I have my Tickets for Iron Man 2-D 3-D: The Dark Night on IMAX for April 29 at 12:30PM and also I am taking Emmanuel to see The Ghost this Friday so I will have some sweet fucking shit movie reviews for you very soon. In a mean time I am to write two episodes of a popular children television show here on a Belarusian Broadcasting Corporation to make so much money and make my sons stars.

So I have not much to write for you. So I think "What can I write for you?" And then I remember that I break so many of my rules this week and review a TV show and pretend I have a dream that I read a biography of Howard Huge one time and also hypothetically recommend reading "Manhood for Amateurs" by Michael Chabon as a joke and so a only rule I do not break yet is talking about music.

(Some people email me and say I forget video games and comics and I say "fuck off nerds" because thats kid shit and this site is for a grown ups)

Like I say I am writing somethings that are very important as a job but sometimes even when you are such a great and famous writer as me it is so hard to start writing. This is probably very shocking for you to read. But it is true. So what I like to do to get me so excited to write is listen to all the best music and like I say before that is Ace of Base, Sarina Paris, Alice DJ, and Technotronics. But one time I was at a kareoke and I sing "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy like I always do and a DJ whose name is Satan say "Do you no there is so much music made after a year 2000?" And I say "No." And he say "Do you want me to show you?" And I dont no what to do so I say "okay".

And he play so much fucking music that blows my fucking mind.

Like did you no that you can make music without using a computers? Yes, I thought this was a lie as well but it is not. There are things called instruments that people blow and stroke and make music and most of these people are so gay and such a bitch but sometimes very rarely they are not. And these ones make music even better than Ace of Base... I am serious!!!

So I listen to this music and it puts so many pictures in my head like a movies and then I can write.

Before we start... this is what I listen to every morning when I wake up just to get me ready for the 24 hour beating Im about to take in the fucking battle that is life...

Are you ready now? Im ready!

When I am to write for children I like to start with something like this because it make me feel like I am to walk into such a magic place where so much cool shit is about to happen...


Then it is time to turn that shit up because kids have so much energy and like to get fucking hyped...


That last song has so much energy and energy is good but it is also good to relax a little so this is like Chimay for your ears...


And so you are feeling kind of drunk now and you go to a dark places when you are drunk and that is good sometimes because a world is not always bright and shiny and children need to learn this and that is why all the moms and dads die at a beginning of Disney movies so this song kills all the parents...

That was from the best album of 2009 "200 Million Thousand" by the Black Lips which is there prediction of how much Avatar movie would make and of course they were right. The album is so good but I cannot post all of the songs so here are some more to help you see that you need to illegally download this album now because its like if Quentin Tarantino made music with people getting hit in the head with guitars instead of movies with people getting hit in the head with baseball bats
The Drop I Hold - Black Lips
Short Fuse - Black Lips

Then I like to pick things up again with a woman who used to be a daughter in Troop Beverly Hills movie and is also the best concert I have been to in so long...


Maybe you need romantic inspiration for your childrens writing and nothing is more romantic or sensual than Usher...


By this time your wife is going to ask "What a fuck you are doing dancing naked in a living room? I thought you were writing" So now it is time to put on some music that with scare your wife away. This song works everytime for me and also I love it...


Now is time to lighten things up so that your writing does not make all the children want to commit suicide but also you want your wife to stay out of the room so this song is the perfect way to do that...


Uh oh maybe your wife is thinking it is safe to come back in because that song is not so bad to her. You need to send a clear message that it is not okay and this song will annoy her so much to make her leave the house but is also very creative and will maybe bring out the child in you...


So the kid in you is awake and dancing and you want to keep it that way and normally you would put in Kimya Dawsons "Remember That I Love" but mother fucking Juno stole all the songs from your dreams and you wallow in your inability to ever act on your inspiration before someone else inevitably puts something similar into the world - so you listen to this instead and hope it will paint pictures of other writers and artists putting guns to their heads and pulling the trigger so no one can rob you of your dreams ever again...

(That's Laura Marling who has a new album out now that you should also illegally download now)

Now it is time to get to work and you send yourself off with something to get the blood flowing again to your boners and what better music than this? It is like a Iron Maiden song performed by actors and also is from a play that Matt Stone and Trey Parker are obviously heavily influenced by. And who writes better things for little children to watch than those two?

And that is why all of your children have the middle name "24601"

So now you're ready to write what will be the next "Igor the Explorer" hit kid TV show. Remember... when movies and music mix amazing things happen...


Very amazing things...





It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer!

4/19/2010

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2004

2004 movies is so hard to describe. The ones that kick ass kick ass so hard. And the ones that lick ass lick so much ass.

I can only describe it as if you are to wake up and the sun is shining and the day is so beautiful and your boss at the cinema calls and tells you to take the day off and also you get a raise and then your wife dont look like a Freddy Krueger anymore and your kids do not kick you in a balls and run away laughing anymore and you win a lottery and you go to the Academy awards and win all the awards and instead of a Oscar they give you a grenade launcher... That's only a beginning of 2004.

The rest of 2004 is like driving home from a Oscars in your new lambourgini with your wife and kids who you now love so much and then your wifes sucessful ex-boyfriend crash his car into you (Troy) and your wife get out and start having sex with him on a hood (Shrek 2) and tell you the kids are his (The Notebook) and then the kids take ninja stars and throw them into your balls (Scooby Doo 2) and then all of the kids you used to make fun of in grade school are now UFC fighters (The Punisher) and they beat a shit out of you (Meet the Fockers) and not only are they UFC fighters but also rapists (Shark Tale) so they rape you (The Terminal) over and over (Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason) and over and over (The Stepford Wives) and cut off your penis and make you suck it (Wimbledon) and video tape it (Catwoman) and put it on Youtube (Oceans Twelve) and it becomes a #1 most loved video of all time (Crash) and then Jesus come down from heaven and during a final judgement piss on your head (Garden State) and send you to hell by yourself (National Treasure) while everyone else go to heaven (Jersey Girl) and the only thing to do in Hell is watch Wicker Park forever (Wicker Park).

That is basicly what a movies of 2004 are like. But hey at least the first part of the day was so good, so let us now remember those.

10. EUROTRIPs
Mi scuzi... but this movie is so funny to me. And after Matt Damon try so many times to win a Oscar without Ben Afflecks to prove he is so much better but he cannot do it with acting. Then he sees such losers as Eminem and Phil Collins and Bob Dylan all win for best song so he write a song for this movie and the Oscar for best song of 2004 goes to...


9. THE AVIATOR: Bat Shit Crazy Howard Huge Who Crash All A Fucking Planes In The World
The Aviator is such a sweet movie and you no I do not read books but one time I had a dream I read a biography of Howard Huge that say a Mormons pump him full of drugs and make him sign all his money to them and then kill him and that is how the Mormon church get so much money to buy a Pepsi and a KFC and it was such a great book in that dream I had!!! After reading that book in that dream of mine I see what a sweet fucking acting job Arnie Grape did for Howard Huge and how a fuck did he not win all the Oscars that year?

Three way tie for #8
8.1. THE INCREDIBLES
Pixar... babyz... bathtub... no drowning. You all hear it so many times. I love this movie and as far as being a superhero movies it stand up next to the next two anyday even though it is a cartoon for kids.

8.2. SPIDERMAN 2 Holy Shit!
Spiderman 2 Holy Shit at first is called Spiderman 2 only but then everyone see it and say "Holy Shit!" so now that is an official title. Like a part when Doctor Octopus is at a plastic surgeons and he fucking kill everyone like it is a sweet horror movie? Holy Shit! Have you ever noticed how there is no one alive in the world from ages of 13-16? That is because so many parents took their little kids to see this movie when it came out and they all had heart attacks during that part and died. I had to sweep up so many dead kid bodies at the cinema that month.

8.3. HELLBOY
Hellboy was such my favorite super hero movie when I first see it. I love the characters. I love the action. And I especially love the mythology and universe they create because it is so not like anything I ever see and leaves so much room for sweet fucking sequels. But then they go and make Hellboy 2: The Golden Shower On Our Fans Heads and now I dont like this movie so much as I used to because they took everything I loved about the first one and turn it into piss and dumped it on my head and sang a Barry Manelow song while they did it. And Oscar for a most suicides during a superhero movie sequel goes to...


5. MAN ON FIRE
You no when someone yells at your kid when they are having fun and not hurting anyone and you want to shove a bomb up their asses and cut off their fingers with pliers? Well this is a movie about a man who does all of those things when someone yell at his kid because he is on fire. And that man is Denzel Washington who is so sweet and remember how in Train Days he says "King Kong aint take a shit on me!" ? Well his character in Man on Fire turns into King Kong and goes to his character in Train Days and take a shit on his head and laugh.

4. KILL BILL VOL. 2: Smash a Eyeball in a Toes
Kill Bill Vol.2 is so hard for me to put here because it is so awesome. This is a movies where a Bride gets shot in a fucking chest with a shotgun and is buried in a coffin and then punch her way above ground with her fucking fists! What!? Your heart just exploded onto your computer screen too? Then she pulls Splashed's eyeball out of her head and smaches it in her toes! What!? Your tongue just swelled up and turned into a boner and you choked on it and your dead? Fuck! But this movie is only #4 because of...

3. A PASSION OF A CHRIST: Blood Hurricane
This is a one time Mel Gibsons got a best Of Quentin Tarantinos in their feud. This movie had so much blood and ass kicking that even Quentin Tarantinos cannot make one more crazy than this. That is why Tarantinos go into such a depression after Kill Bill Vol.2 and live in a sandbox with his shit and piss for so many years before he make Inglourious Baseball Bats to a Head Basterds and win all the Oscars.

2. TEAM AMERICA Fuck Yeah So Lick My Ass And Suck On my Balls!
Team America Fuck Yeag So Lick My Ass And Suck On My Balls is exactly a kind of movie I am going to make with Amedeus and Emmanuel. There is sweet fucking action and fight scenes and so much bad language and even a romance and such sweet music and sweet fucking rides and is also about America kicking ass which is so true and I cant not wait to be American because it is a ultimate dream of mine. Also it is very realistic...


1. WHITE CHICKS
Remember back in 1970's when all of the white people make fun of all of the black people all the time and laugh and say they are stupid and drink out of a different water fountains? Well now in a 2004's it is a white people who are now made fun of and laughed at and are so stupid and drink from a different water fountains and this is a documentary about that and it is so awesome because RACISM = AWESOME!!! America, Fuck Yeah!

4/16/2010

A Passion of a Christ 2-D: The Prisoner

So many of my readers EMAIL ME and say "Yo Nikolai - why a fuck are you not reviewing no tv shows or books or musics?" and I am so tired of replying to all of these ones by one so I am to tell you all now.

First, a reason I do not review books is because I do not read them. I have never read a book before because all a people I have ever met who have read a books are so boring and I do not want to be so boring like them... but if I did read books I maybe would read "Manhood for Amateurs" by Michael Chabon because it has a sweet coverings and it would probably be my favorite book that I have read in so long and I laugh and cry and love it so much. But I dont read so that is this.

Second, a reason I do not review music is because Soren tell me that if I do this then a only people who will read my website are gay men. He say that all of a music I love like Ace of Base and Sarina Paris and Alice DJ and Technotronics are not so popular with a rest of a world and maybe I should stick to things I no so much about like movies and boners. And while it is fine that gay men read my website because I love gay man comedy movies so much... I also want others to read as well.

Third and final is a TV shows. And this reasons has more history but I will keep it short. A short reason is this: We dont own no fucking TV. What the fuck shit fuck balls suck!!!??? Yes I know it is crazy. But here is a reason for that:

Back when Belarus is still part of a USSR and life is shit (but it is more shit now) every citizen get to go a doctor one time in their life... this is one more time than Belarusians get to go to a doctor now in their life. So when I am 8 year olds I go to a doctor and he say that I am crazy as a batshit that land on a head of Gary Busey and have a disease called a paranoia schizoforensics. So he tell me a list of things to do to make me not have this disease anymore and they are:

1. Stop eating so many Skittles and Starbursts for breakfast and snack and lunch and snack and supper and dessert everyday.

2. I have to get more than 3 hours of sleep everyday.

3. I have to go outside and get so much exercize

4. Never watch TV again ever.

So I listen to him and for a months I do these things and I start to feel so strange. I begin to see that people I think are nice to me are really being such mean shits and all the things I used to love like killing animals and starting fires I dont love so much. In other word - I dont not feel like myself. I am so sad to be cured of my disease so I stop going outside and start eating so many Skittles and Starbursts again and not sleeping and my mom was like "Nikolai you cant do these things because a doctor said they make you fucking crazy." But then she see how happy they make me again and she say okay as long as I do not watch TV because I am not so good at telling what is real and what is not real...

So I watch so many movies instead! And now I am normal just like a rest of you!

"Thank you for a history lessons but what a fuck does this have to do with anything mother fucker?"

That is such a great question and I am glad you ask it. I tell you all of this now because A. Like I say before Im tired of writing so many fucking emails explaining it. And B. I go to a cinema the other night and see not a movie but a new American TV show instead and then after they have Jesus and Captain Americas new girlfriend and Captain Americas new girlfriends friends that I love so so much talk to us the audience. And I decide to break my rules and write a review of it - my first review of a TV Show - but also probably my last because this website take me like 5 fucking years to design and it will be so hard for me to change a title to The Fucking Shit Movie And Book And Music And TV Show Website For People Who Are Not A Bitch.

The TV show is called A Passion of a Christ 2-D: The Prisoner but that title is so long so they call it The Prisoner to save time. So this is what happen. Jesus wake up in a desert and is like "Where a fuck is my beard and my robe and my hole posse?" So he go to find them and he go to the set of Lost but now Ben is Magneto from X-Men and everyone want to fuck with Jesus so they all call him 6. And he is like "Stop calling me that!" and they are like "NO!!!"

They did so much research for this show because they saw A Da Vinci Code and no Jesus was having so much sex with all the women and so they have so many beautiful women in this show. That makes this show so smart and another thing that makes this show so smart is that on the set of Lost sometimes for no reason they have major MOTHER FUCKING EXPLOSIONS and everybody die. Seriously I no it is only the first episode I see but this show is bad ass and better at being Lost than Lost is.

I go to by all the bootleg dvds today from Soren just so I can watch it all because it remind me how all the governments are lying to me and trying to kill me and my family and how you cant trust no one and I love this show for reminding me of all that because I had totally forgot.

During a audience questions and answers afterward with Jesus and "the friends" - the person who does an interview mentions all of Jesus other friends who are not boobs that he work with before except for Mel Gibsons and so you can tell this piss Jesus off so he mention Mel Gibsons like ten times and everytime all the people get uncomfortable and change a subject because "How do you even talk about such a genius?"

Speaking of a genius... Oscar this year for best casting of Captain Americas girlfriend goes to a person who choose Hayley Atwell because her pictures are nice but her in real life is even nicer.