3/15/2010

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2007

Do you no sometimes when you wake up and your dick is so hard that it can cut threw a diamonds and you want to put it inside of your wife and fuck her so hard so that she never call you Mister Small Penis again but you dont because when you tryed one time she said she will call a police because of rape? You no when that happens?

Well a movies of 2007 are the opposite of that. They are when you wake up and your dick is so small and purple and you think maybe you have waked up and you are a 3 years old again and your hole adult life was a dream... a terrible terrible dream but then you look in a mirror and you are not 3 but 29 and you clean up popcorn at a cinema for a job and you have a penis that look like a Smurf.

That is what a movies of 2007 are. So it is so hard for me to pick 10 favorites out of such a shit pile. But I do. For you. Because of love. Love for movies. Love of my dreams of being a Belarusian Roger Eberts. And love of you my fans and lovers of my fucking shit movie reviewing and other things that I do who I want to talk to so much so please leave so many more comments in a comments section and I will talk to you about this movies or Amedeus and Emmanuel MMA training program or sweet fucking rides or sweet fucking guns or Milla or everything in a history of life.

Now for my list...

10. LARS AND A REAL Blowup GIRL -
This movie should be called "A Prophets" instead of this movie because it is about a man named Lars who have an accident that make him retarded and live in a garage. But his accident not only make him retarded but also a genius. And with his new intelligences he figure out that it is so stupid to be with a real woman who we all no is so suck to be with when they are not naked and having sex with you that you do not pay for. So instead he marries a blowup doll and he wins a Nobel Prizes and aliens come and make him king of the universe. The End.

9. STARBURSTS
They make so many movies about toys and video games and comic books it was only matters of times that they also make movies about candys and what better candys than the ultimate favorite of mine STARBURSTS. And they must have had a best food critic ever write the movie because everything that happen in my mouth when I eat them happens on a screen when you watch it. Like Sienna The Baroness want to fuck me so bad and I am about to say yes but I should say no because her STDs will make my penis die which is like the yellow and orange Starbursts. But then My So Called Lifes falls out of a sky and fucks me so hard and saves my penis and I say "fuck you" to Sienna which is like a pink and a red Starbursts. This obvusly wins best adaptation of a candys Oscar that year.

8. THE MISTS that you think is going to suck but ends up being pretty sweet
The Mists that you think is going to suck but ends up being pretty sweet is a movies that I thought is going to suck but ends up being pretty sweet at the end even though the ending is very WMC (What my cock?). This movie has lots of sweet monsters and lots of mists as well that are very scary and I hear there is a black and white version and if you see it that your boner gets so scared that it runs away and never comes back and it is directed by a man who make Shawshank Redmption and a writer is the man who got run over by the minivan and almost dies and also writes a Shawshank Redemption and Cujo movies.

7. BEO...Holy Fuck My Boner Had A Heart Attack Because Angelina Jolies Is Naked And In High Heels...WULF
I dont want to type the title again because there are only so many heart attacks my boner can have before it dies forever and everytime I think of Angelina Jolies in this movies it happens so I wont think of it. Let us forget this movie even exists.

6. NO COUNTRYS FOR OLD MEN But Yes Countrys For Young Men With Sons Who Are A New Dolph Lungrens and Steven Segalls
No Countrys For Old Men etc. is very badass because I am always excited for new and intersting ways people can die in movies and in this one everyone dies when a killer takes a fire extingwisher and blows out there brains with it. That is why I am much more relaxed at work now because I no if any mother fuckers want to mess I can use the extingwishers in the theaters and fuck there shit up dead. Also I get the same haircut now as the killer and people are so much nicer to me.

5. ZODIAC Killers
Zodiac Killers is a very good movie with acting that is good and maybe not so much explosions or sweet deaths that I usually love and no flying lambourginis or sweet heat seeking rocket launchers or proximity mines to kill the zombie aliens that are disguised as naked super models but it is still very good and it has Sherlock Homes in it and I like him and you should see this because maybe not enough people did.

4. 3:11 TO YUMA
3:11 to Yuma is about American Psychoz who is feeling so bad for yelling at a lighting guy on a set of Terminator: I Want My Moneys Back and also for making that movie so he goes to live in a middle of fuck my balls nowhere. Then Hollywood say "We have to make Dark Nights 3-D to make a million thousand USDs. So Gladiator you have to go to a middle of fuck my balls nowhere and teach him how to be badass again and catch the train back to Hollywood/Yuma to make this movies". So Gladiator go and make up a crazy story to get him to the station and along a way teach him to be a sweet killer badass again who dont cry about getting mad at a lighting guy or beating up your mom and sister.

3. RATATOOEY
Ratatooey is a Pixars movies. Pixars movies as you are already noing dont make me want to drown my babyz in a bath tubs when I watch them like In a Night Garden does. This is a good thing. Pixars is keeping my ass out of the electric chairs so they always have a place in the top 10.

2. 300 UFC fighters who kill a million terrorists movie
Everyone who watch a UFCs like I do no that if a USA wants to win the wars in Iran all they are having to do is send all the UFC fighters over and kill Osamas (after INGLOURIOUS BASTERD BABYZ Soren tell me Osamas name is not Obamas and that I have to learn because a USA will read my blog and send all the sweet Army Rangers over who will kill me harder than Nicolas Cages in Con Air. So I learn). So this movie is very smart because of that and should be #1 but is not because there are so many naked men which make my boners sad.

1. TRANSFORMER robots that make my boners happy!
If there is one thing my boners love it is sweet fucking rides and giant fucking robots and sweet fucking guns and Megan Fox who turn all the men to pools of liquid cum like a bad terminaotor in Terminator 2-D. And this movies has all those things!!! When Optimus is saying, "Shila put the enerjon cube in my chest!" I am crying so much because Shila love him like a robot father and dont want him to die but it is the only way and this is so much drama and is exactly the kind of movies I will make with Amedeus and Emmanuel one days.

If you are loving my fucking shit movie reviewing and other things that I do then please subscribe and tell your so cool friends because I no from my Google Analyticals that thousands of peoples are reading all over the world but so few is subscribing and leaving a comments (I get 2 yesterday - YES!!!) and I think "Do I do somethings wrong?" If so I will love so much to fix them but please tell me unless it is about my English because that makes so much frustration in me that I get sad and eat all of the Skittles in the house I bring home from work and Amedeus and Emmanuel dont have no lunch that day.

6 comments:

crackbaby said...

Maybe if you made the whole "leave a comment" process a bit simpler, you'd get more comments. The whole "register with the googler" and "sign the secret password" process is probably a damp hanky for some people--not for me because I have total control of all things.

Cheers Nicolai! TRUST IN THE FUDGE OF GOD!

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister or Misses Crackbaby,
I have taken your suggestions and made so many changes so now I will get comments from every person who come to read my blog. You have definitly inspired me to make my wife smoke so much crack a next time she is pregnant.

Bless you!

crackbaby said...

Could have fooled me ya cheeky bastard. This thing's still asking me to write in a googler account and secret password.

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister or Misses crackbaby,
It now asks for a google shits if you have it but you also have many options for an OpenID logins or just typing your stupid name which may or may not be stupid i dont no. or you can leave anonymously but dont do that because I will reject it I think.

And there is no more hidden letters to type before you leave a comment. Am I wrong?

crackbaby said...

I stand corrected. Write on my friend, and let the comments commence!

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister or Misses crackbaby,
Congratulations your name is now in a boot for maybe Emmanuel to pick and win such a sweet fucking bag I cannot believe it.