***Finally my dream comes true and a movie studio buys me a Denel-Mecham NTW 20mm rifle to write a "Two Boners Up"© review for a movie even though it is really a "One Boners Down"© movie. I ask them if I give it four boners up can I have two rifles and they say "yes" and I say "sweet!". So here it is my "Four Boners Up"© review of Iron Man 2-D 3-D: A Dark Nights***

Remember how when you saw Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle for the first time before you watched it 200 more times because its so awesome and you were like "I wish all the sequels of movies I love so much were exactly like this one"... remember how you said that? Well the makers of Iron Man 2-D hired the most crazy psychic in the universe to read all of our thoughts because that is what they give us.

That is why at first before I see this movie I call it Iron Man 2-D 3-D: A Dark Nights but after I see it I now call it Iron Man 2-D (it is not in 3-D! YES!): Full Throttle because it had the exact same effect on my boner as the all time classic best movie ever Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.

Remember how when you watch Iron Man 1-D and you are like "I so wish this movie had so much less action and way more talking like I am watching a documentary about a day in a life of Steve Jobs for the first hour"? We all were thinking that and the psychic they hire no's that so in this movie that is exactly what they give us... thank my shit.

So in a beginning there is Russia and then there is a credits and then Sherlock Homes fly into a Justin Timberlake concert just like in a previews and he talks to all of the people about how he fucked up so much terrorists shit with his sweet fucking suit and killed all the poor people in Darfur. This was such a great scene because instead of showing him do all of these things like most movie making people would - they have him talk about it instead which is so great because I love listening to people talk about sweet fucking explosions and killing way more than I love seeing it.

Then at the concert they show a movie of Sherlock Homes dad and he talks so much as well. So YES!!! MORE SWEET FUCKING TALKING!!! BONERS FOR MY EARS!!!

Then Sherlock Homes and his body guard who go to the same acting school as Jimmy Fallon where they teach you to laugh during all of your scenes to make them so much better (which I love) are in a car and a so hot woman talk to them and tell them to go to Washington DC. This scene is awesome because... guess why... TALKING!!!

Then Sherlock goes to Washington to talk to Billy Crystal who is half-man half-frog now and will win all the academy awards for make up this year for his crazy frog chin that made me throw up five times on the person sitting in front of me. So this scene is so great like the others because they talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and then Mister Watsons who is black like in the first one but now has such a sun tan comes and he talks and talks and talks and then Billy Crystal gives Sherlock Homes a middle finger and thats it.

Then Sherlock Homes drives in the Grand Prix in Monaco and The Wrestler comes from Russia with whips and cuts all of the cars in half. This scene is awesome because in most movies they will try to be so realistic and have the police who are standing around with machine guns try to shoot him but not in Iron Man 2-D because they are like "fuck you - we dont not play by the rules of a real world and we dont have to try to make any sense because we have no respect for anyones intelligence!" So I love that attitude because making sense and respecting peoples intellignce is so stupid and everyone who loves Transformers 2-D so much like me no's that making sense dont mean shit about making a greatest movies of all time. Well Iron Man 2-D is like Transformers 2-D except like at least 2 times better. How is that even possible right? Go take care of your boner and come back to read the rest...

Okay your back but get ready for more boners because...

Speaking of Transformers 2-D... do you remember how when you watch that movie you are like "Oh shit I love so much the dialogue and acting between Shia Labuff and Jesus from the Big Labowski and I wish they had these two together in all the movies from now on." Remember? Well a makers of Iron Man 2-D thought the same exact thing and made it happen. There were so many times I closed my eyes during this movie and I could not tell if I was seeing a Iron Man or a Transformers movie... I know I know - your boner is blocking the screen right now. Mine too. Lets go take care of that and come back.

Im back. Your back... I will try so hard to not make that many boners from here on but its so hard with such a great movie...

The race scene kind of sucks because it takes so much time away from the sweet talking and the writer who is going to win all of the Oscars because he makes such a complicated movie that dont make no fucking sense (and everyone no that a so complicated movie that dont make no fucking sense = Oscars!!!) - he makes sure to have so much more sweet talking after this to keep everyone happy.

Then Sherlock makes eggs for Ben Afflecks girlfriend and make her the boss of his Private Eye company because he is dying from iron poisoning then Snooki Johansson show up and she dont get naked or fuck anyone like in all her other movies thank my fuck because then that would take away from all the sweet talking.

Then Sherlock get drunk at his birthday party and he and Mister Watson fight and cross the streams of there proton packs and make a nuclear explosion and then Mister Watson steal a suit and puts a gatling gun on the shoulder. Then Iron Man reenacts a coffee shop scene from Pulp Fiction with Samuel LL Cool Jacksons who is playing a same role as he was in Pulp Fiction because they are to bring all of the greatest movie characters from all time together for the Avengers and Iron Man 2-D is very much like a 2 hour commercial for the Avengers which is so sweet because you no how when you see a commercial you are like "I wish this commercials would last for two hours instead fo 30 seconds because I love commercials so much" ? Well once again the psychic told the Iron Man makers what you are thinking and they make it come true. So LL Cool Jacksons and Sherlock talk and talk and then he give Sherlock a shot in his neck that make any suspense about him dying from iron poison go away and that is awesome because I hate suspense.

Then Sherlock scans a map of Disneyworld into his computer and creates a new science element to make him not die anymore and you are like "why the fuck are they showing this it is so long and boring?" But then he uses Captain Americas shield to hold up the mini particle generator he makes in his garage and you are like "oh shit im so stupid, they made this 30 minute scenes to give all of a nerds in the world a two second boner to see a so awesome Captain America shield. SCIENCE!!!"

Maybe you are thinking this is not so much talking and there is action we all hate in comic book movies. You are so wrong because in between all of this The Wrestler and Norman Rockwell talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and it is so funny because Norman Rockwell have his performance from a first Charlie Angel movie photoshopped with the same technology they use to put President KFC into Forrest Gump to put him in this movie (including his dancing) and creates so many boners because that is such a classic character of all time that we all want to see over and over and over again. Nice work Iron Man 2-D makers - just when we think you cant think of anymore ways to give us boners YOU DO!!!

Then The Wrestler tells all the robots to kill Iron Man and then Sherlock and Watson kill all of them and it is great because instead of being so exciting (exciting = boring) it is more like a 15 minute step by step video tutorial of how to do all of the moves on the video game but the video game is going to suck so hard because it is going to be like all of the so boring 30 minutes of action scenes and none of the two hours of talking that make this such an awesome movie.

Then Snooki and the fat body guard break into a Kinkos and it is so awesome like an episode of the all time best show "She Spies" except everyone no's you cannot ever make anything as good as "She Spies" so they dont not even try to make it look as good as that. Smart.

Then The Wrestler fights Iron Man and Mister Watson with his whips and you are like "Oh fuck this is going to take so long and there will be no more talking!" But the makers dont let this happen and you never wonder whether they are in any danger because the fight last about 2 seconds and Sherlock and Watson cross the beams of there proton packs like at the birthday party (Genius Screenwriting Oscar goes to...) and it is over and Iron Man flys Ben Afflecks girlfriend to a roof and they talk and then they kiss which is so sweet because it was like when Mulley and Sculder kiss on X-Files and all of there sexual chemistry is now gone and you are like "YES! That was way too much sexual chemistry for me to handle!"

Then Sherlock talks to Samuel LL Cool Jacksons again and then Thor's hammer is sitting in the desert.

The End.

You no this is the best movie ever because my wife love it so much and say "It was so fun!" and her favorite movie is "Love Actually" so obviusly she no's a bad ass movies when she sees one.


Ricky Sprague said...

Thank you, Nikolai, for your totally unbiased review!

"She Spies" was one of the greatest television programs of all time. If this movie is anything like that, it will be classic!

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister Ricky,
Like I say, the makers of Iron Man 2 no that NOTHING can be as good as "She Spies" so they dont even try to make it that good and I respect them so much for that.

But if you say it is as good as a Charlie's Angels movies then I will say it is at least 1.3 times better than any Charlie Angel movies... THAT'S SO GOOD!!!

In completely unrelated news, I am having so much fun killing small animals with my two new rifles.

gil mann said...

If they gave you Manhola Dargis's job, I might start reading the NY TImes again.

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister or Misses Mann,
Why, have they said something to you? Because I have not heard from them yet but if you speak to them please tell them to email me and say I am very interested in such a job and also that my English is getting so much better every days.

Anonymous said...

I can TOTALLY see the New York Times hiring a critic whose website is "the fucking shit movie website for people who are not a bitch" and is, admittedly, not completely fluent in English.
Oh my God, you're a shoo-in!
New York Times, here comes Nikolai!

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister or Misses Anonymous,
I hope so much no one paid you a Denel-Mecham NTW 20mm rifle to say that to me as a joke. Because you have brought so many tears of happiness to my eyes. I think maybe I can be good enough to write for A Los Angeles Times someday but never in five years do I think maybe I can write for something as amazing as a New York Times. They win so many Webbys Awards! Everyone no's that all the most amazing peoples in the world like a so hilarious Jimmy Fallon who I do not wish to shoot in the face and the ultimate least annoying person of all time who make such awesome music will.i.am wins so many Webbys too! So such an honor for you to say this to me.

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