4/09/2010

Kick-Ass kicked so many boners into my ass

Everyone no's all of the great rivalrys of history: There was God v. Satan... USA v. USSR... and Brutus a Barber Beffcake v. Mr. Perfect

What everyone may not no is that there is a feud raging in Hollywoods right now that is much greater than all of these put together. It is a bitter battle between Mel Gibsons and Quentin Trantinos.

I no this is a movie review site and not a fucking history classes but let me explain how it happens...

It all starts when Mel Gibsons is at the annual KKK Oscar party in the Vatican and he sees Quentin Tarantinos win a Oscar for Pulp Fiction and he like "Oh fuck that mother fucker win a Oscar because he make Bruce Willis slice a mother fucker open with a samauri sword and gave all the voters boners... I will make a movie that slice way more mother fuckers open with swords and I will win two Oscars."

So Gibsons made A Bravehearts and won a two Oscars and in his acceptance speech called Tarantinos such a bitch but they cut this part out from TV so you did not no. But Tarantinos was there and he was like "Im such a bitch? Your a fucking such a bitch! And I will show you this by making a movie that make A Bravehearts penis turn into a vagina."

So he make a Kill Bill and have a Bride cut off 88 crazy fucking Japanese mother fuckers arms and legs and make a blood hurricane in a massage parlor and then Mel Gibsons had to call Steven Speilburgs and have him turn all of the guns in Bravehearts into walkie talkies and also make all of the penises in the movie into vaginas for the Blu Ray special edition. Mel Gibsons was so pissed so he was like "You want a blood hurricane? Ill show you a fucking blood hurricane!"

So he make A Passion of A Christ and Quentin Tarantino see it and laugh so hard and tell all the newspapers because Mel Gibsons dont have no one rip out a eye ball and smash it in a toes. So then he make Kill Bill Volume 2-D and Mel Gibson laugh and say "You dont not have anyone rip out a heart and throw a body off a pyramids in Egypt so BAM mother fucker!!!" and he make Apocolyptos.

Then Tarantino is like "Okay thats sweet but we forgot what this battle is all about and that is winning so many fucking Oscars and everyone no's a best way is to hit a Nazi's in a head with baseball bats to win a war." So he make Inglourious Baseaball Bats to a Head Basterds and win so many Oscars. And Mel Gibsons is like "Oh shit your so right and I lose my way and feel like such a bitch but now you will feel like a bitch because Im going to make my autobiography that will win every Oscar ever including the documentary ones because I will make a movies about making this movies and I am to call it Solomon Fucking Kane!"

First Quentin Tarantinos shit his pants and then he cum in his pants when he see it. And so he say "I will make a movie that make you shit in your pants and cum in your pants also but AT THE SAME TIME like you are having sex in Germany!!!"

So Kick-Ass is Quentin Tarantinos latest bitch slap to Mel Gibsons face with his cock to win all of the Oscars. This movie has a complicated story like all of Tarantinos movies and is so out of order and way to smart for me but I will try to tell you what happens without ruining it.

Obvusly Mister Tarantinos has read all of the letters I send him every week after I get the idea from Shawshank Redemption and he make a movie about little kids slicing mother fuckers open with swords and doing sweet MMA and awesome heat seeking rocket lauchers. Except he dont use my sons in a movie and use others instead because maybe he is waiting for them to get bigger and I understand and it was so nice of him to make this to secretly let me no that I am on a right track the same way Roger Eberts always twitter about Belarus after I send him my daily emails.

In this movie Nicolas Cage has left Las Vegas and gives up alcohol when he find out he has a daughter so he can shoot her in a fucking chest with a gun and teach her sweet MMA moves to be a Hit Girl. I take Emmanuel to a parent/baby screening of this and my poor boy will never have children now because she make him cum so much in his diaper that he does not have anymore sperm left ever. This movie will end the human race because there will be no more sperm left in anyone. And even if not everyone see it and keep some of there sperm then on Halloween it will all be gone because Hit Girl is going to be the only costume sold this year. Trust me. I am telling you a truth. No candy this Halloween - just BONERS!!!

Hit Girl is only 10 years old so this may be a problems in some countrys where you can only lose your sperm because of a 18 years old girl. In Belarus a law is 8 years old girl so I do not feel bad at all.

Did I tell you Nicolas Cage has also killed American Psychoz and is now Batman? He did and thank goodness because you no how Batman is such a bitch with so many feelings in A Dark Nights? Well in this movie Batman has no feelings and kills so many people with sweet hand guns instead of tying them up like a bitch.

Then there is a kid who becomes Kick-Ass except he is related to American Psychoz and so he is a bitch and Nicolas Cage who talk like Batman from a 60's TV show say his name should be Suck My Balls Ass and all the moms and babys in the theater I see it at laugh so hard.

There is a love story for Kick-Ass but only in a way Tarantinos can think of...

***SPOILER*** (so many people tell me to do this when I say something so sweet)
He make Kick-Ass get close to his Mary Jane dream girl by her thinking he is gay and she wants a gay BFF so bad. And it is like every mans dream come true because he tell her a truth after he rub lotion on her boobs and she dont get pissed for him lying to her but instead fucks him so hard like Tom Cruise and the Hand That Rocks The Cradle on the Train in Ferris Buellers Days Off.
***SPOILER OVER***

Also instead of 88 crazy Japanese now Tarantinos make it 88 crazy Italian men who are getting there arms and legs chopped off and this makes me so happy because I no this is going to make many people never come back to this site (but probably not because everyone no Italians cant read) but I am so racist against Italian men. When I go to Italy it used to be they stare so hard at my wife and fuck her in there minds and that is fucked up enough but now when we go they also stare so hard at my sons and fuck them in there minds so I am so racist against Italian men and love to see them die all the time.

Tarantinos is such a genius of inventing new ways to kill people like in this movie he use a machine that crush a car and it is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. My eyes are so sad now because they will never see anything that sweet again. And my boner is so sad because it will never be able to get hard for anything else ever again. never. ever. NEVER!

I gave away the Oscar for best suit with a gatling gun to Iron Man 2-D: A Dark Nights much to soon because Kick-Ass may steal the award this year and when you see the movie you will no why. Tarantinos has made a bad ass response to Solomon Fucking Kane with this movie. Kick-Ass will kick so many boners into your ass when you see it that you will not be able to sit down for about two or three days.

The greateast Hollywoods feud of all time rages on.

Your move Mister Gibsons...

7 comments:

Sean said...

Fucking amazing.

Anonymous said...

Amazing post... but Quentin Tarantino didn't direct KICK-ASS!

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister or Misses Sean,
This is a only comment I have ever been receiving that I do not have to put into a babelfish translator. I understand to perfection and you made my boner cry such salty tears of thankfullness and joy.

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister or Misses Anonymous,
You always leave such awesome comments in my comments section. You say "amazing post"... I say "amazing comments"... but Quentin Tarantinos DID direct KICK-ASS because who else not named Mel Gobsons can make a movie that good? Your joke was so funny to me but April Fools is only lasting one day. It is time not to be funny anymore and play jokes on peoples. Just give them boners instead.

Alexandra said...

I AM GRINNING SO HARD
MY FACE IS HURTING
THIS IS PERFECTION

Nikolai said...

Dear Misses Alexandra (unless you are Mister Alexandra but then your parents are fucked up),
Thank you. Come again.

Anonymous said...

I have the same opinion with most of your points, but some need to be discussed further, I will hold a small conversation with my buddies and perhaps I will ask you some advice later.

- Henry