4/14/2010

The movie "Lourdes" makes my penis fall off but a Virgin Mary puts it back on again

Yesterday is my wife's 30th birthday and so I must take her out for such a special evening. A 30 year old birthday for a wife is a sad day for all Belarusian men because it means it is now time that you have to get a mistress. Why do Belarusian men have to get a mistress when a wife turns 30?

Here is a picture of my wife Snezhana when she is 29:

So much beauty! So many boners!

Now here is a picture of Snezhana yesterday before I take her out on a town in Minsk:

This is a curse that happen to all Belarusian women on a 30th birthday and so a curse that then happen to all Belarusian men is that they must now get a mistress. It is a law in Belarus. Maybe you ask why I am not more happy about this? Fresh meats right? I will tell you. A reason I am so depressing about being force to get a mistress is because this: WOMEN IS FUCKING EXPENSIVE!!! and also this: WOMEN IS FUCKING CRAZY!!!

It is hard enough feeding one adult female mouth now there are two and it is also hard enough to spend so much time with one adult woman and not have her murder me and now I have to avoid being in a murder by TWO adult women. Thats why a fuck I am so depressing about this.

So last night I take my wife to a most luxurious restaurant in Minsk. If you have not been to Minsk lately you may think I am talking about Panda Express and that is so nice! But very lately we get the ultimate fancy restaurant T.G.I Friday. This is a place the president and a rest of his mobster friends come every night to celebrate a acquistion of a new mistresses (yes some men celebrate this) and also a false imprisonment and murderings of anti-government protestors... they have so much to celebrate every night!!!

As if the plates and plates of onion rings and nachos, and cheese potato skins and garlic bread did not make Snezhana happy enough I also take her to a movies after and let her pick what we see for a first time ever. This is because I feel so bad about her looking like a Leather Face and me now having to get a mistress.

So she pick a movie Lourdes. I see it is a French movie and I get so excited because that mean it will have so much rape and killing and sex and also it is about Madonna's daughter so it is also about sluts - so many things I love! But this movie has none of those things and it spit on #1 in my TFSMWFPWANAB Manifesto by not giving you boners and making you think about life instead.

Yes it made me think. I cant not remember a last time this has happened but it was a good thing because it remind me why I dont not like to think about ANYTHING: thinking is so hard! Oh my headache. Like drinking so many Chimays. Ouch.

This movie is about a lot of cripples who go to take a bath in a castle and see a Virgin Mary but she never show up so I make a poster for this movie.

Basicly this movie is so boring because you dont no what a fuck is happening until the last shot of the movie and then it all comes together and means so many different things to so many different people and show a hypocrisy and lack of joy in a religious people and how most of us is only loving God so he will do shit for us and a lack of belief in miracles even when they fucking happen before your eyes and also what a fuck a miracle actually is and also what is disease and is it physical spiritual or mental or all three and it look at the community aspect of religion and how sometime in an attempt to belong to a community we lose a relationship with God in a process or gain a relationship with him and also a responsibility and power of that collective community and is even about following your dreams which is my favorite theme (you no this).

This movie is so complex and make me look for a English word to express what I see and I find this: PARADOX - whatever the fuck it mean it mean what I saw. Last night I pray that God will never make me see anything that make me think so much ever again but my wife love it so much and is so happy (and drunk from the beers at TGI Fridays) that we go home and have sex which is amazing that I am able to because she look a way she does.

Miracles do happen!

4 comments:

Downtown said...

damn, shit really goes downhill at thirty!!!

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister Downtown,
This Belarusian curse is such a bad one (as you can see!!!). It also happens to our mistresses so then we have to get misstresses when our misstresses turn 30 as well.

This is how you no Islams and Mormons is a fake religions started by bat shit crazy fuckers high on drugs because why would anyone ever make a religion that say it is okay to have more than one wife? One is too much sometimes. More than one is just cruel and evil like those religions.

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