4/16/2010

A Passion of a Christ 2-D: The Prisoner

So many of my readers EMAIL ME and say "Yo Nikolai - why a fuck are you not reviewing no tv shows or books or musics?" and I am so tired of replying to all of these ones by one so I am to tell you all now.

First, a reason I do not review books is because I do not read them. I have never read a book before because all a people I have ever met who have read a books are so boring and I do not want to be so boring like them... but if I did read books I maybe would read "Manhood for Amateurs" by Michael Chabon because it has a sweet coverings and it would probably be my favorite book that I have read in so long and I laugh and cry and love it so much. But I dont read so that is this.

Second, a reason I do not review music is because Soren tell me that if I do this then a only people who will read my website are gay men. He say that all of a music I love like Ace of Base and Sarina Paris and Alice DJ and Technotronics are not so popular with a rest of a world and maybe I should stick to things I no so much about like movies and boners. And while it is fine that gay men read my website because I love gay man comedy movies so much... I also want others to read as well.

Third and final is a TV shows. And this reasons has more history but I will keep it short. A short reason is this: We dont own no fucking TV. What the fuck shit fuck balls suck!!!??? Yes I know it is crazy. But here is a reason for that:

Back when Belarus is still part of a USSR and life is shit (but it is more shit now) every citizen get to go a doctor one time in their life... this is one more time than Belarusians get to go to a doctor now in their life. So when I am 8 year olds I go to a doctor and he say that I am crazy as a batshit that land on a head of Gary Busey and have a disease called a paranoia schizoforensics. So he tell me a list of things to do to make me not have this disease anymore and they are:

1. Stop eating so many Skittles and Starbursts for breakfast and snack and lunch and snack and supper and dessert everyday.

2. I have to get more than 3 hours of sleep everyday.

3. I have to go outside and get so much exercize

4. Never watch TV again ever.

So I listen to him and for a months I do these things and I start to feel so strange. I begin to see that people I think are nice to me are really being such mean shits and all the things I used to love like killing animals and starting fires I dont love so much. In other word - I dont not feel like myself. I am so sad to be cured of my disease so I stop going outside and start eating so many Skittles and Starbursts again and not sleeping and my mom was like "Nikolai you cant do these things because a doctor said they make you fucking crazy." But then she see how happy they make me again and she say okay as long as I do not watch TV because I am not so good at telling what is real and what is not real...

So I watch so many movies instead! And now I am normal just like a rest of you!

"Thank you for a history lessons but what a fuck does this have to do with anything mother fucker?"

That is such a great question and I am glad you ask it. I tell you all of this now because A. Like I say before Im tired of writing so many fucking emails explaining it. And B. I go to a cinema the other night and see not a movie but a new American TV show instead and then after they have Jesus and Captain Americas new girlfriend and Captain Americas new girlfriends friends that I love so so much talk to us the audience. And I decide to break my rules and write a review of it - my first review of a TV Show - but also probably my last because this website take me like 5 fucking years to design and it will be so hard for me to change a title to The Fucking Shit Movie And Book And Music And TV Show Website For People Who Are Not A Bitch.

The TV show is called A Passion of a Christ 2-D: The Prisoner but that title is so long so they call it The Prisoner to save time. So this is what happen. Jesus wake up in a desert and is like "Where a fuck is my beard and my robe and my hole posse?" So he go to find them and he go to the set of Lost but now Ben is Magneto from X-Men and everyone want to fuck with Jesus so they all call him 6. And he is like "Stop calling me that!" and they are like "NO!!!"

They did so much research for this show because they saw A Da Vinci Code and no Jesus was having so much sex with all the women and so they have so many beautiful women in this show. That makes this show so smart and another thing that makes this show so smart is that on the set of Lost sometimes for no reason they have major MOTHER FUCKING EXPLOSIONS and everybody die. Seriously I no it is only the first episode I see but this show is bad ass and better at being Lost than Lost is.

I go to by all the bootleg dvds today from Soren just so I can watch it all because it remind me how all the governments are lying to me and trying to kill me and my family and how you cant trust no one and I love this show for reminding me of all that because I had totally forgot.

During a audience questions and answers afterward with Jesus and "the friends" - the person who does an interview mentions all of Jesus other friends who are not boobs that he work with before except for Mel Gibsons and so you can tell this piss Jesus off so he mention Mel Gibsons like ten times and everytime all the people get uncomfortable and change a subject because "How do you even talk about such a genius?"

Speaking of a genius... Oscar this year for best casting of Captain Americas girlfriend goes to a person who choose Hayley Atwell because her pictures are nice but her in real life is even nicer.

2 comments:

Ricky Sprague said...

Nikolai as always you provide interesting, provocative insight. Nicely done.

If you like Hayley Atwell, you should check her out in the sequel to "Brideshead," which is called "Brideshead II: Brideshead Revisited." I missed the first movie which is probably why I didn't entirely understand what was happening in "Revisited," but Ms. Atwell was in it and she was good.

In fact, I think it was her character's head that was referred to in the title, but, as I said, I missed the first one so I didn't completely understand it.

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister Sprague,
Thank you so much for a compliments and a recommendation. But is it only Haley Atwells head in this movie or is a rest of her body included as well?

Thank you so much for reading and leaving a comments as always. I am loving your website as well and everyone should read it.