4/12/2010

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2005

I am so pissed right now because my wife and I are having such a fights right now because she think I want to fuck all of the women in the world who are not her. And I tell her this is true and she get so pissed at me. What the fuck!? I am so honest with her how is she not so happy with me?

Yes I want to fuck all the other women (not all but the ones who look very sexy) but I do not. On our marriage day I made the such a huge mistake of vowing that I will be faithful to her and I take my vows so seriously - and also sometimes I love her. So I want to but I do not. And I am honest with her. This is a definition of romance. But now she is pissed!? What the fuck am I to do you ask?

I am to go back to 2005 when life was good and I have a freedom to fuck whoever I want but I dont because no one want to fuck a poor heroin addict who squat in a flat 2 mile outside of Chernobyl. Thats what a fuck I am to do!!!

So here is my top ten of biggest boner making movies of 2005 that is a year of a giant fucking blockbusters that cost more than a GDP of Belarus to make. There was some blockbuster size shits but there was also so much great Two Boners Up© movies to come out this year and I leave some off like CRANK my Balls 2-D, ULTRAVIOLET Boners, INTO THE BLUE of Jessica Alba in a bikini, A PASSION OF A CHRIST Blood Hurricane, and MILLIONS of GBP's. What can be so great as to leave off such masterpieces you ask? Well now a fuck I will tell you:

10. ROBOTS That Dont Drown a Baby in a Bathtubs -
Robots That Dont Drown A Baby In a Bathtub is not a Pixars movies but it still dont not make me want to drown my babyz in a bathtubs when we watch like In a Night Garden does. In fact I kind of think this animatings is very sweet and the story is about following dreams which is my favorite message other than "Film is Powerful and Sweet MMA Moves and Cutting a Heads Off is So Powerful Too".

9. Titanic 2-D 3-D: Avatar ALIENS OF THE DEEP Abyss -
This movie is James Cameron sequel to Titanic 1-D and it is about the killer dad in Frailty who go to Titanic in a submarine and cant not close his mouth like always and say "wow" alot. You can see so much where James Cameron rip off from himself in this movie to use in Avatar and make a glow in the dark miniature golf course for a Na'vi to fuck in. This movie gets so boring so James Cameron decide he going to have two submarines and one gets caught in Titanic and the other has to save it. Thats basicly it but it is a first movie ever in 3-D and also a first movie in IMAX so it is sweet.

8. NARNIA: A Jesus LION, A Scary as Fuck My Balls WITCH, and a WARDROBE
So remember how in Lord of a Rings battle scenes you are like "This shit is so fake I want my money back but I cant ask because I want to pretend to love it so much like everyone else because I am feeling so alienating from everyone else already because I demand more from life than mediocrity". Remember? Well this movie has battle scenes where you are like "Fuck this look so real and it look like they take one year at a times to program each individual soldiers battle moves... fuck I need to go to the bathroom now because there is going to be a diarehea of boners coming out of my ass". Also the albino British witch devil is so scary as fuck.

7. WAR OF THE Tom Cruise and his annoying as shit kids in the WORLDS -
So Tom Cruise dont make good movies anymore. And Steven Speilburgs dont make good movies anymore either. BUT maybe not!!! Because this was like hooking up electric cables to your nipples shocking good. Speilburgs of course made a deal with the devil when he win a Oscar that he has to do two things: 1. Turn his penis into a vagina and 2. Have no more guns in his movies because guns = sweet and the devil = gay. But in this movies instead of changing the guns to a walkie talkies Speilburgs change them to a shovel and Tom Cruise beats a shit out of Shawshank Redemption and kill him so good I had to dry my pants on the radiator when I got home. And Shawshank won all the acting Ocars for this in 2005.

6. A HISTORYs OF VIOLENCE
So this movie is very sweet for all of the sweet bullets going through skulls and so much blood and human death like always. But also for a scene where Eastern Promises fuck Maria Bello on a stairs so hard. Do you remember when Pee Wee Herman gets arrested for having sex with himself in a theater? There were so many Pee Wee Hermans in the theater when this scene was going on.

5. SIN CITYs
This movie is kind of sweet but also kind of not. It actually makes my boner fall asleep a couple times but El Mariachi does all men a favor and put a mom from Spy Kids in high heels and tell her to get naked an walk around her apartment for ten minutes while he film and she dont no what to do so she say okay. My wife did not talk to me for a week after we watch this and for that El Mariachi is also a genius because oh that is a best week of my life.

4. BATMAN American Psychoz BEGINS
Before Batman get all crazy and yell at his lighting crew and punch his mom and sister in a face he is actually a nice guy and he learn karate and there is no Joker with a boombox listening to Prince in a museum doing grafiti. And instead of a Batmobile being shape like a dildo it is like a tank now. And it make Batman like a believable character until I see Kick-Ass and not so much anymore because of how so many boners got kicked into my ass. Now hes kind of a bitch but still.

3. KISS KISS BANG BANG
I love this movie very much and it save Sherlock Homes career. These Sherlock Homes movies are so good and I love how they have a new Watsons in everyone and he can be black or white or whatever they want like they dont give a fuck. In this movie Mister Watson is gay and played by Jim Morrisons who is now such a fat shit but still so sweet in this.

2. Bend Over Star Wars And Take This SERENITY Cock In Your Ass
Bend Over Star Wars etc. is taking everything that was good about the origianl Star Wars (Han Solo) and multiplying it by killer raping canibal zombies and dividing by a Ghostdog Way of a Samauri square rooting from a sexbot that llok like John Travoltas wife I walk to fuck in Jerry MacGuire with a exponent of MOTHER FUCKING EXPLOSIONS. George Lucas do a noble thing and commit suicide after he sees this movie and now they have a robot George Lucas to pretend he still alive and he still make some movies.

1. KING Heroin KONG
This movie is a reason I am still alive today. I have never relate to a character so much as I relate to King Kong. Most of a time I feel like a big fucking ape on a island looking at a sunset and playing with my balls. Only my sacrifice from a natives is not a blond woman with a snaggle teeth but heroin. I follow heroin all around a world and climb to a top of a Umpire State building and try to hold on to her but then the bitch that is life shoot me down and I lose her forever which is so great because now I am sober except for the so many Chimays I am drinking right now and I learn English and am a Belarusian Roger Eberts and have two sons who I can make so much money from and have live out my dreams I never did and life is good.

The End.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Slow Clap....

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister or Misses Anonymous,
Nice to hear from you again. You are become my best commentor next to Mister Sprague.

I agree with you that this post is only a slow clap... that must be like a "One Boner Up"© review from you. But I know that I will get a fast clap ("Two Boner Up"©) from you for my new fucking shit review of "Lourdes" that you can read here http://j.mp/bPbeT5

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