4/28/2010

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2003

Yesterday so many people (500) come to visit my site and I dont not post anything for so long so I am so shocked by this. Someone must have emailed a link to some friends and everyone reads it and pass it on and thats how. So I guess I should write something new for people to read. So here is another list of movies that will probably give you boners unless you are a bitch and they will make you say something like, "This is stupid... lets go see The Backing Up Plan instead." If that sounds like something you will say one day: FUCK OFF!

It is hard for me to be excited about movies right now because 2010 so far has been the biggest pile of shit year for movies in a long time. Yes, Solomon Fucking Kane is sweet but really that is a movie from last year and Kick-Ass was so awesome too but these are just two movies of so many shit ones that are good. Tomorrow I am to see Iron Man 2-D 3-D: The Dark Nights and hopefully that will make me so excited again to write about movies.

2003 -

10. CABIN I just barfed because she shave off her skin in a bathtub FEVER -
CIJBBSSOHSIABF was such a surprising movie because when I see all a Belarusian commercials on TV for it there are no Roger Eberts two thumbs up reviews but instead reviews from Peter Jacksons, Stephen Kings, and Quentin Tarantinos saying I am to see this movie. I dont no what to do so I say "okay" and that was such a smart move on my part because this movie is so sweet. Like how when you watch a show "Boy Meets A World" and you say "I wish so hard his best friend will get a Cabin Fever and die so hard." in this movie that happens and also "PANCAKES!!!"

9. KILL BILL VOL. 1-D: Blood Hurricane in a massage parlor-
His feud with Mel Gibsons is always making Quentin Tarantinos so depressed. After Gibsons wins all the Oscars ever with Braveheart Tarantinos gets so depressed and spends seven years in tibet growing so many beards and climbing on mountains to get an idea and then he think "I shall have a bride do so much sweet Crouching Tiger anime and spray blood all over a massage parlor. The End". So thats what happen in this movie and its pretty sweet but its no blood hurricane like Gibsons response A Passion of a Christ is a blood hurricane.

TIE

8.1 BADass SANTA-
Bad ass Santa is sweet because it has so many freaks like a husband of Angelina Jolies and a midget who is black and a retard who is a ginger and woman who used to be a man on Dharma and Gregs and the dad is Problem Childs who is so dead now... SO MANY FREAKS!!! And I am so in loving with a good freak show. There is so much good bad languages and sweet guns and grandma who make a sandwich and fucking and Christmas.

8.2 ELF -
Elf maybe is not a tie with Bad Santa. Maybe it is better. This movie is so funny to me and that is all. I hate to review a comedy movies because what a fuck can I say except "I think this shit is so funny!" People who are to analyze a comedys and say it has a allegorys for this and a symbolism for that are really trying so hard to give you a metaphor for how they are gay.

6. LORD OF A RING: RETURN OF THE KING and his 500 endings
LOTR:ROTKAH500E was kind of sweet because you are like "Finally these movies are going to be over an I will not have to pretend anymore like I am so excited they are coming out and that they are so good." Because they are good but not SO GOOD. Did I tell you I saw Eastern Promises who is the King in this movie and he walk past me the other day? I did and he looked so happy talking with his friend and that made me happy because sometimes he records poetry on an album and it is so terrible and sad that you are like "Oh fuck suicide is not so far away for this one." But I am happy to report that he is doing great.

5. Dream Catcher that I only see to watch ten minutes of ANIfuckingMATRIX -
I no I should review Dream Catcher but I have to be so honest and say I left after I see the preview for AnifuckingMatrix before Dream Catchers even starts. So this reivew is really for AnifuckingMatrix which really didnt come out in a theater but on bootleg DVD instead but still part of it was in a theater. Anyway AnifuckingMatrix was so sweet and I still watch it all of the time but it makes me so sad when I do because you no how the last two Matrix movies are like when your mom looks you in the eyes and say "I guess some children are just crosses to bare"... you no when that happens? Thats how the last two Matrix are: crosses to bare for the Heaven that is the original Matrix and if the OG Matrix is Heaven then the AnifuckingMatrix is the 27 virgins you get to fuck all the time in Heaven. Except there are only 9 virgins but still they are so hot.

4. X2 yes Wolverine finally stuck his claws into so many people to kill them!
X2 etc. is so sweet because Wolverine finally sticks his claws into so many people to kill them and also he fuck Mean Gene Gray and Mystical Romaijn-Stamos and yes it is now okay if you use your boner to scroll down the rest of the page because I am using mine to type this right now because when I think of this movie is gets so big that it grows its own arms and hands. There is defintely so much gayness in this movie because it was directed by the gay who made the gay Superman movie so he trys to make half of this like X290210 and have so much teenagers and feelings but then a dam breaks and all of that things drown dead until X3 when they come back and "fuck you Hollywood!"

3. UNDERfuckingWORLD-
I no I am being so lazy with my titles today but I am so depressed about all of the crap movies this year it is so hard to be a reviewer at this time. UnderfuckingWorld is so much like a Matrix to me in that it has so much sweet mythologys and it was at the beginning of all this vampire bullshit that makes me barf so hard. And I am so excited because you no they are going to take it so many sweet places like The Matrix and X-Men and Hellboy but NOPE. Just like all three of those things they screwed it up as well because "fuck you Hollywood with no fucking imaginations relying on your Obama-style think tanks and group test-studys to make all of your decisions because you care only about appealing to a lowest common denominstrators and making money and not about telling quality storys that will endure a test of time. Fuck you all because I loved fucking Underworld and you ruined it."

2. Finding fucking Nemo -
Finding fucking Nemo is Pixar and blah blah blah I say it all the time but I never really review them until now. Finding fucking Nemo is the best father/son movie ever made. Period. Maybe you think there is a better one. You are wrong. Also you are stupid. And also you are fat. And ugly. Finding fucking Nemo is such a social commentarys on how it is to be a father and raise a sons in this polluted ocean of a world we are living in now. Our desires for material things has made men like a women and we treat our sons like a bitch and then they hate this because they are men and are not supposed to be like a bitch and so they run away and end up getting trapped in a fish tank of bat shit craziness with Willam Dafoe. And thats all before they turn five. The rest of there life you as a dad have to go on a long fucking journey of trying to undo the damage done by generations of bad decisions made by your father and his father and his fathers fathers that have buried what true masculinity really is and that journey is great and its also really hard and filled with so much sadness but if you love your sons you have to go on it because otherwise a pelican might not hear your story and fly to the dentist office to tell your son and he wont have a motivation to get out of the fucking fish tank. So you have to do it.

1. T3 that was not in 3-D but still
T3 was not in 3-D but sill... Remember how in the Matrix 2-D they have that chase on the freeway and you are like "Oh shit this movie sucks so hard but that was really fucking sweet like maybe the sweetest chase I see in so long!" Remember how you say that? Well then later that summer you see T3 and they have a chase that is like that chase except about a million times better and LOUDER! I love good sound in movies so much and this movie had such sweet sound. Also the ending is very WMC (what my cock?) and you dont expect it but it is sweet because it leaves such a great window to continue this sweet mythologys in new and interesting ways but then Hollywood and McG come along and fuck it all up and make Terminator: Rise of the Audience to Get There Money Back. Seriously. I no some people talk about rising up against there government to overthrow them. Maybe we should be talking instead about storming the offices of all the Hollywood studios with sweet fucking guns and grenades and taking that shit over instead. Fuck these bitches! Also in T3 the bad terminator is a so hot sexbot and kids get shot in the face so much.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

your mom sounds like a bitch

Nikolai said...

Dear Mister or Misses Anonymous,
My mom makes a mom of Eminem look like Mother fucking Teresa of Calcuttas