Did you no I am Belarusian but also half Mexican? It is true. And today is such a special day for all of a Mexicans. It is a Cinco of the Mayo when everyone in a world gets so drunk and eats so much mayo to celebrate how all the Mexicans kick the shit out of Spain in a battle so they can make there own country that is so awesome and has so many sweet kidnappings and murders and povertys that everyone wants to leave and be in a USA. VIVA MEXICO!!!
Did you also no there is so much crazy shit going on in a USA right now and they are finding all the Mexicans and killing them? Its true. Why are they killing all the Mexicans you ask? Because when Obama gets elected he free all the black slaves and give them all of the money. So the Mexicans see such a opportunity and come over and say "We want so much to be your slaves now! And you dont ever have to free us or give us all the money." And all the white people are like "Fuck you because that means we have to learn so much Spanish and that is so hard - we will rather play so many video games instead!" So now they kill them. Smart.
So "Machete" is a true story of a Mexican who is like "Fuck you - you dont kill me... I kill you!" And he kill everyone. All of the Oscars voters love true storys so this movie is going to win at least five of the ten best picture Oscars this year and Predators and Solomon Fucking Kane will have to split the rest. All of the worst picutre Oscars will go to Alice in a Pile of Shit 3-D and Iron Man 2-D: Full Throttle.
So Robert Rodriguez come to Belarus yesterday to drop off this video for me to share with everyone for Cinco of the Mayo and we eat so many tacos together with so much mayo on them to celebrate but then we watch this and I realize it was not mayo on the tacos but my own boner juice. There was so much! And now you will see why...
Remember when Jesus go to Heaven and he say "I will come back one day riding a motorcycle with a gatling gun on the front and kill all the bad guys and also Steven Seagull and Cheech and Jessica Albas and Lindsey Lohans and Robert Deniro will be with me with sweet shotguns and machetes and killing everyone too"? Its in the Bible... Well this movie is what he was talking about. And we all have to see it because so soon after he is going to take us away on his spaceships to live with L Ron Hubbard and Tom Cruise and all the Mormons and all of the 27 virgins we get on Mars. Religion!