5/10/2010

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2001

Tomorrow morning I am to take Emmanuel to see a new Robin Hoods movie...

I no. There is already so much negativitys in a world Nikolai why do you have to be hating so much a Robin Hoods movie you dont even see yet? I will tell you...

I HATE a Ridley Scotts movies. Gladiator to me is maybe a most boring movie of all time and such a rip-off of ass-fuck awesome Bravehearts but instead of crazy as shit I want to have his 9th baby Mel Gibsons it is Russel Crows and do you no what? I HATE a Russell Crows movies. Maybe you think he is such a good actor. I think he is so shit. He got nominated for an Oscars for playing a retard in the Insider Man so he play the same retard in all his movies now. Same shit everytime. And I want him to die so bad in the Insider Man and I want him to die so bad in all his other movies as well because reatrds are sweet when they are to make me laugh not when they are to try and win Oscars. (Except Arnie Grapes who do both)

You no what else I hate so bad? People.

People like your landlord, Thakor, who has eyes with scary as blood-in-your-shit cataracts who install a peice of shit smoke alarm that fall off a ceiling and cut your head open and then who try to get you to break the law and commit fraud. Or your boss at the cinema, Yoanna, who use the underground walkway behind the building to break into the Pret next door and steal 1 billion BYR from there safe and you cant say shit because she will then get her crazy killer cocaine dealer to murder your two baby boys. I hate them.

Do you no what I dont hate?

The movies of 2001! They were so good! I have such a hard time to pick just ten. I can so easily make two top ten lists but that takes so long of a time and will take so much time away from target practice with my new rifles that the studio buy me to write such a good review of the shit movie Iron Man 2: Full Throttle. So here is only one Top Ten movies list of 2001 that gave me huge boners that I did not touch because when you touch them you are touching the boners of a man and touching the boners of a man is gay if you are not a woman and I am not a woman and I am not gay.

10. AMELIE is not gay and neither am I-
"Amelie is not gay and neither am I" is a movie that so many boys who look like women and so many women that look like boys love... I think they are to call these people "proof Darwin is so right about natural selection"... thats what we call them in Belarus anyway and they all have so many abortions and the boys are always having so much trouble getting boners and they cry so much and there girlfriends think maybe they should try sex with a man and they do and then a girlfriends try sex with a woman and they never have babies ever and a survivals stay with the fittest (aka ME). They love this movie. But so do I. That is what is so great about truely beautiful things in the world like this movie is that there beauty is absolute and everybody has to think so or they are just fucking liars or there soul is dead.

9. GHOST "Can We Call You Weird Al" WORLD-
This is a story of two lesbians who go to a cafe and ask a waiter if they can call him Weird Al and that is so funny. Then one lesbian work at a Starbucks and the other work at a cinema (nice) and then they get in a fight and one of them fuck Steve Buscemi and then he get all weird and is like "I need to go to Fargo to get shot in the fucking face" and he leave and the lesbian he fuck waits for a bus. The End.

8. MULLHOLLAND This Dont Make No Fucking Sense But Those Women Are Having Such Sweet Sex With Each Other DRIVE
Chinese New Year in 2001 was the year of the lesbian. So Mullholland....Drive is a movie about these lesbians who go to Mullaholland Drvie to fuck each other and the writer of this movie is so smart like the writer of Iron Man 2: Full Throttle because he no that if you make a movie that dont make no fucking sense then you win all the Oscars. So this movie dont make no fucking sense and it win all the Oscars. the End.

7. BLO
BLO was the name of the all time greatest band who sings all the songs like Mr Blew Skys and Evil Womans but it was also the name of such a great movie in 2001 with Edward Scissorhands who sells all the cocaine and marrys Run Lola Run and then she dies so he marries Peenalope Cruise and then Pee Wee Herman sells him all the cocaine and he go to jail and gets fat. And the end is so WMC because they reveal to you it has been a horror movie the hole time because the last thing they flash on screen is this. For real... Derrick Forreal

6. ROYAL TENENBOMBSS that are not as good as Rushsmores but still -
Royal Tenenbombs was not as good as Rushsmores but still... There was this movie called a Squids and some Whales were a little kid goes to the library and masterbates so hard and wipes all his stuff on all of the books and now you are like "Why the fuck are you telling me this... this site is for boners, not throwing up in my mouth?" I am telling you this because Rushmore was like the first time Wes Anderson ever cum in his pants... really nice. Then Royal Tenenbombs was like him going to the library and cumming in his pants so much and putting it on all the books... it was a little bit of too much I think. And a rest of his career has been him cleanin up his mess which has sucked so bad except Mr. Fox that was Fantasticating!

5. Yes, BUBBLE BOY, now Fuck Off!-
Yes, I love the movie Bubble Boy, now FUCK OFF! You already no how much I love to laugh at reatrds. I am a terrible persons. I no. You no. And this movie is making so much laughter at an expense of such a retard and also has so many freaks that I love to laugh at as well like I midget and a giant and a Mexican and a Scientologists and a Hindus and a Republicans. Speaking of midgets... I was just telling Snehzana the other day that of all the freaks in all of the world - you see so many blind people all the time and so many deaf people and people in a wheel chairs (SO MANY FREAKS!) but you almost never see a midgets. And I am like "why the fuck is this? I no they exist!" Then I realize it is because they are so short you do not notice when they walk by. (Snehzana just took a boys and drove away in a car I do not no why).

4. MONSTERS INK
Monsters Ink is another Pixars movie and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Can Pixars stop making great fucking movies please? For like one fucking second? Shit. Oh yes, they are going to do that because they are making Toy Story 3. I HATE the Toy Story movies. I dont not no why. I love all the other Pixars movies but I cant not stand these. Toys are fucking toys they are not real and then you grow up and you throw them away. Get the fuck over it.

3. ZOOLANDERZ
Zoolanderz is fucking funny. Is it the funniest movie of all time? I dont fucking no.. Not to me.. But maybe to you. Thats why i hate reviewing comedy movies and I am not going to do them for my regular reviews anymore. Because I thouht it was funny but maybe you wont and maybe you do but think its way funnier than I did so "fuck me" wel guess what? "Fuck you" because Im not reviewing comedys anymore. It was funny. Thats it.

2. WET HOT AMERICAN Boners in the SUMMER
Wet Hot American Boners in the Summer is about a bunch of Jews at Jew camp and if there is one thing that is so funny it is a Jew and if there is one thing funnier than a Jew it is a bunch of Jews and if there is one thing funnier than a bunch of Jews it is a bunch of Jews at Jew camp. Just trust me. This movie can easily have to be number one on the list but the next one is so so so sososososooosososo sososososo sososoosososososososoosososo sososoosososoososososoos sooooooooooooosososooooooooososoosos sosooooooooooo osososoososoososoososoos ssososoososososoosososoos ssssssososoososossssssssssoooooooooo sosososoosososoosososoos fucking awesome that I could not do it. But I wanted to.. So buy or rent this movie and fall in love with Paul Rudd the exact same way i did in a way that is not gay but in a way that is like I am goin to be exactly like you in this movie and those who do not like it can get dumped out of my van by the side of the road.

1. IN THE Fucking BEDROOM
In the Fucking Bedroom is about the guy from T3 and a Oscar winner from My Cousin Vinnys who have so much sex "In the Fucking Bedroom" but were they live when you say "In the fucking bedroom" it means it is you and her and also her ex husband and some lobsters and some super fucked up shit happens that I do not want to tell you because do you no sometimes you are at the gym and you ride the bike and the sweatpants rub against you and give you such a huge boner and you are like "Oh fuck I cant stop because people will see my huge boner but if I keep going then it feels so good that my boner will never go away" You are fucked. Watching this movie is basicly getting stuck with a huge boner you do not want to have but cannot make o away because you have to keep riding the fucking exercize bike and then,,, EXPLOSION!!!

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