5/25/2010

Top Ten Fucking Shit Movie Reviews of 2000

Fuck your mothers, I have been gone for so long. "Where have you been?" you are asking (you are probably not asking). Because I am such a "Internetional Sensation" I can now move to the USA to make my dreams come true of making so much money from my boys becoming action stars and me being there manager.

So I have been learning so much about American capitalism. But to be so honest I do not fucking understand it. From all that I can see it is like this big fucking game of Monopoly but instead of fake money it is real money and instead of game it is real life.

But so many Americans still act like it is such a game and they want to win so bad. And I think winning is cool and everything if you are going to make a definition of winning as making such boner-making movies or such sweet products that make the world a better place and get us so many virgins in heaven, but all of the Americans say a definition of winning is to get all the money... like it is Monopoly.

This is such a problem because life is not Monopoly. It is life and when people are the loser they fucking starve to death and there kids get lice. That is such an evil game they play in America.

"So what Nikolai, shall we be a Socialists like everyone in Europe who is giving so much moeny to Greece so they can have all the ass sex with all of the men?" No, socialism is fucking stupid too and it does not work because why am I to give my money I make sweeping popcorn and condoms at the cinema to help pay for Sorens sweet flat in East Minsk that he get government assistance from because they think he is so poor when really he is so rich from selling all the bootleg dvds?

"Communism, then?" No way. I lived in a fucking communist country and it is such bull shit because in a true communism there is everyone gets equal amounts of everything no matter what but in a fake ass communism like Castro, Chavez, and Obama have there is always some rich mother fucker who is making everyone divide all of the money while they play golf and smoke cigars and have sex with little boys and that is not communism - that is a evil fucking dictatorships.

"So what then?"

So THIS

It is the only way. Otherwised this world is so fucked in its fucking ass that everyone is going to have so many bloody shits it is unbelievable just like in the year 2000 when all the computers exploded and everyone killed each other.

So here are the top ten movies of Y2K:

10. BATTLE ROYALE Rumble
This is a documentary about the Japanese X-Factor where instead of singing all the kids go on a field trip to the Lost island and kill each other with cross bows and sniper rifles and axes and YES!

9. FINAL DESTINATION 1-D
Do you remember that gay quaterback on The Creek of Dawson and you are like "I wish that mother fucker will have a sign cut his ass in half in France"? One thing I learn about American capitalism is "supply and demand". So we all demand it so hard and this movie made that happen so hard and SPLAT!

8. REQUIEM FOR A Two Sided Dildo DREAM
This movie is fucked up. 30 seconds to Mars sticks heroin into herpes he has growing on his arm and then the Wayans Brothers suck so many dicks for cheeseburgers and Opportunity Nocks boobs makes a porno with the black dad from Something About Mary. The music is the best music ever made by anyone and they use it for everything now and everyone who like that music is like "fuck you!"

7. MEMENTO Mind Fuck
This movie is good but not "so good" like you thought it was when you first saw it but still it is very good and you can see how the director went on to make the Dark Nights and now the Dark Night 3 with Leornardo Da Vinci as Batman now who lives in the Matrix which bends my boner over my head to fuck me in my own ass every time I see the preview. Trinity from the Matrix is in this and she is such a bitch but still so sexy to me and reminds me of Snehzana.

6. MEET MY PARENTS
This movie is funny to me. Thats it. I dont not do comedy anymore. i am so close to not doing any movies anymore at all because of how rubbish everything is this year. Even the good ones are rubbish. Kick Ass was so rubbish and Roger Eberts was so right about everything he say about that movie. Im so sorry. That movie is dirty and expose the soul of Americas youth that is raised by all the money-hungry capitalist who worship at the altar of Sex with sacrificings of unborn babies. "America, Fuck Yeah!"

5. AMORES PERROS (Puppy Love)
Some people might say love is such a bitch but not this movie. It says love is puppy love like the title in Spanish. And it is about so much sweet love stories and sweet dog fights and sweet killings and a sweet bum who is a hitman and a sweet model Heather Miller who marry John Lennon and have one leg and then divorce him and take all his money because her dog died under the floor. "Viva Mexicao!"

4. THE CELL Phone That Has No Phone In It
The cell phone is a most complex boner I ever have because J-Lo's ass is so nice as always but this movie so good you dont not even notice it that much and she goes into Vince Vaughns brain and Full Metal Jacket cuts a horse with a bread slicer and has Silence of the Lambs playing all the time on repeat.

3. CAST AWAY
I love this movie so much and it is so intense and so different and only one man like the hole time and "how the fuck is this not boring?" but it is not and it also inspire this screenplay about a man who fall in love with a bottle that I have 3 hours to write one time and is kind of funny and I hope you like it - my gift to you.

2. FANTASIA 2000-D IMAX
This was the first movie ever released on IMAX and it was so sweet. I remember thinking "this is what I am going to do with my life" when I see it and so I have so many screenplays of silent movie cartoons that I write that fit in with a classicaling musics and now I need to find all the animators to make them because it was Walt Disney dream to make these go on forever but now his head is frozen in a jar of pickles in Oprahs freezer so now I must do it instead.

1. UNfuckingBREAKABLE
Snehzana and I just watch this movie again a couple of a month ago and it is still so fucking sweet you can hardly believe it because then M Dark Night Shamalynanana go on to direct so many pieces of shit that come out of aborted babys. Usually people get better when they direct more movies and practice so hard but not him because he is such a genius like Merlin who travel backwards in time and get worse instead.

I do not no about you but I am to go to bed now and dream about all the money I will make and all the abortions I will have when I move to America, Fuck Yeah! Baseball, Fuck yeah! Oh and also all the sex tapes Amedeus and Emmanuel will make with all there boyfriends to be so rich, Fuck yeah! Starbucks, Fuck yeah! Sushi, Fuck yeah! Play dates, Fuck yeah! Pilates, Fuck Yeah! Aspergers, Fuck Yeah! Masters Degree, Fuck Yeah! Cancun, Fuck yeah! Fuck Yeah! FUUUUCK YEAH!

I cant not wait!

4 comments:

FredKeelerIII said...

Goldilocks would agree that this blog entry is just right. Dark Nites 3 looks sick. AHAHAHA!

Straws said...

...do you by any chance read hipster runoff?

Sorry *ahem* movies are shit reviews here are current funny like snotty music site which gives boners which is being replaced in my head by shitty movie site gives to me new ironically stupid grammar spelling ideas

Anonymous said...

Hello. And Bye.

Anonymous said...

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